Most film critics don't contact the authorities...

This is kind of funny, so I thought I would share it with everyone.

Roughly two years ago, I had a major argument with a (now former) friend over the phone. Ugly and nasty things were said, mostly by me, and the phone call went on for a good twenty minutes before either of us hung up. That was the last time either of us talked to one another, and I've never felt the need to look back.

Fast forward to present time.

Last week, I posted a quick blog entry parodying a current series of Pledge commercials. In it, a young woman is locked in a glass box by Jigsaw and forced to clean a dirty kitchen or face a gruesome death. I gave the female character in the brief screenplay excerpt a common woman's name, picked at random, and quickly moved on to other writing projects. Apparently, I'm the only one who moved on.

This morning, I received an email from that old former friend of mine. It turns out that I inadvertently gave the young woman in the blog post the same first name as his wife. He has informed me that he has taken this as a threat against her, and has informed police of the blog post. It also seems that I accidentally invited them to several social networking sites ten times over the past two years (they had a dated list of all ten occurrences), so he's adding those to the list and accusing me of harassment as well.

This is funny for several reasons:

1) I honestly didn't use his wife's name on purpose. I mean, really. Two years later, and sudenly I'm out for blood?

2) No harm actually comes to the young lady in the SAW VI parody screenplay snippet.

3) It was a parody piece. You know, like humor and stuff?

...and most importantly...

4) The fact that they saw this post and mentioned in their email that it appeared on several of my blogs (two, actually) means that, in all likeliness, they have been monitoring all of my blogs and internet output OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS!

For two years they have watched my every move, waiting for me to tip my hat and expose my devious master plan, watching wide-eyed in anticipation for any kind of sign that I am about to unleash the hounds of Hell! Apparently, the name I used in this blog post was the moment they were waiting for.

I'm sorry, but I find this all rather hilarious.

As funny as it may be, however, I have no need for petty quarrels. I especially don't need to incur the paranoid wrath of someone who apparently plans to report me to the authorities whenever I write something he doesn't like, or inadvertently name a character after someone in his immediate family.

Fear not! I will not be censoring myself in future works, no matter how many cyber-stalkers I attract in the years to come. But, just to help others move on with their lives, I am going back to my SAW VI posts and changing the name of the young woman in the humorous post to Judith. It is my hope that this small action will cure cancer, and world hunger, and allow the poor delusional souls of the world sleep a little easier tonight.

I just hope I don't know anyone named Judith...