Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Blu-Ray Disappointments for November 3

Blu-Ray! The most amazing advancement in home entertainment since HD, DVD, or Laser Discs. Finally, crystal clear images of fantastic cinematic feats of wonder can unfold before us in our own homes, with pictures so startlingly realistic that the viewer almost feels like they are a part of the action!

Unfortunately, its hard to imagine anybody wanting to be a part of the crap they are cranking out on Blu-Ray these days, let alone watch it in a maximum pixel ratio. Just check out these new release available today, November 3, on Blu-Ray...

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Masters of the Universe (film)Image via Wikipedia

Not since Dolph Lundgren's laughable performance as He-Man in Masters of the Universe has a beloved cartoon childhood memory been so thoroughly and repeatedly ritualistically disfigured by a malicious and destructive Hollywood Movie Machine that is still convinced Ginormous CGI Budget + Recognizable 80's Franchise = Box Office Gold. For anybody who grew up watching the G.I. Joe cartoons, seeing this film is the equivalent of finding out as an adult that your beloved puppy Sparky was backed over by Dad's Suburban in the driveway, and not taken away to live on a puppy farm. Now you can relive that kind of crushing disappointment and disillusionment in all of its Blu-Ray clarity.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3

Who said there are no new ideas out there? Most likely the jackass that convinced the studio heads that this classic 1974 Walter Matthau/Robert Shaw film needed to be updated with John Travolta, Denzel Washington and more car chases. I guess the fact it wasn't retitled as simply "Pelham" is a small conselation.

Crappy animated spin-off of a crappy sequel series does crappy in the box office? Turn it into a crappy cartoon series! Now available in all of its crappy glory on Blu-Ray! Crap.

To be honest, there's nothing wrong with this classic 1971 version of the seasonal Charles Dickens tale of yuletide redemption. What sucks is the fact that the only reason this title is getting a Blu-Ray release is to coincide with the theatrical release of Jim Carrey's latest mega-budget gooftacular.

I can not imagine anything more depressingly sad and pathetic than knowing that someone, somewhere, finds themselves compelled to actually purchase the latest in this series of voyeuristic soft-core pseudo-pornography in high-definition Blu-Ray. There just can't be anything sadder than that.

I stand corrected.

Speaking of sad. The worst thing about seeing a run of Dolf Lundgren's direct to video action films unceremoniously released on Blu-Ray is knowing that the man who once thrilled the nation by beating the snot out of Sylvester Stallone most likely spends most of his time trying unsuccessfully to call his agent and envying Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]