Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bad Movie DVD Releases for August 4

Brace yourself, folks! New DVDs are on the way! If you thought that bad movies were restricted to '60s science fiction, '70s martial arts, and '80s teen comedies, then get ready for the awful reality, that there is always a new bad movie just around the corner! Check out what cinematic atrocities are hitting the shelves this week:

Race to Witch Mountain - Starring Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, AnnaSophia Robb, and Alexander Ludwig.

Every six months, a Disney executive wonders aloud "I wonder what classic slice of cinema in our film vaults we haven't bent over a table and anally raped with a huge CGI budget yet?" This past summer, the answer came back Escape to Witch Mountain, which they changed to Race, I'm assuming because Escape didn't test well. The lesson learned? The Rock is not a suitable

Cover of "Big Trouble in Little China (Sp...Cover via Amazon

replacement for Jason O'Day, no matter what the predicament.

Obsessed - starring Beyoncé Knowles, Idris Elba, Ali Larter, and Jerry O'Connell.

In 1987, Michael Douglas lived every Professional White Male's ultimate fear; a business-trip one-night-stand coming back to haunt him. Now, twenty years later, Beyonce (which I am assuming is simply French for Bouncy) lives the fear of every Professional Black Male's Wife; white women. If Spike Lee had directed Disclosure, it might have looked something like this.

Big Trouble in Little China - starring Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, Dennis Dun, and James Hong.

The ultimate guilty pleasure of every schlock movie fanatic, and arguably the Kim Cattrall's only decent contribution to cinema, finally hits Blu-ray! As Jack Burton would say, "Son of a bitch must pay."

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Season Three

The fact that these two untalented tools somehow managed to not only get their own television show, but now have DVD box sets of that show, is further proof to me that we live in a godless void of a universe, devoid of justice or goodness on any spiritual level.

Cover of Cover of Mimic

Mutant Chronicles - starring Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman, and John Malkovich

Now available on DVD and Blu-ray. This film had its theatrical release bumped, and premiered on the SyFy channel. 'Nuff said.

Blade II - starring Danny John-Jules, Thomas Kretschmann, Ron Perlman, and Wesley Snipes.

Crappy sequel #6,723 gets the Blu-ray treatment. Utilizing several crappy sequel cliches, including Kriss Kristofferson in the ever popular role of "Hey, didn't you die in the first film?"

Mimic - starring F. Murray Abraham, Josh Brolin, Charles S. Dutton, and Alix Koromzay.

More often than not, Josh Brolin's name in the cast role is not a good sign for movie-viewers. Combine a Josh Brolin role with giant killer cockroaches that disguise themselves as trench coat-wearing subway commuters? You're gonna lose. Guillermo del Toro's direction (his ever-present generation gap duo) make this film watchable, but that's as far as I'll go.

There's more, but we should probably stop there. Don't worry, there will be plenty more next week.

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