Friday, May 11, 2012

Moviesucktastic #72: Van Helsing (and John Travolta's Penis)

Promoting "Staying Alive" in Sweden
Promoting "Staying Alive" in Sweden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Welcome to another news-driven episode of Moviesucktastic, hosted by two guys who probably spend a bit too much time talking about movies and making thinly-veiled romantic overtures at one another. In this latest installment you'll hear a movie review full of spite and malice, and playful coverage of some TMZ-worthy scandal sheet news that has Joey and Scott giggling more than Mitt Romney talking about bullying gay high school students.

This week, news that the dreaded Hollywood Machine (or, as John Travolta would say, "Homosexual Jews") was contemplating a Tom Cruise-starring remake of the not-even-a-decade old Stephen Sommers debacle of a Universal Monsters homage, Van Helsing. The mutual disgust felt by your faithful film review podcast hosts has never been disguised or concealed, yet the film has never garnered an official full-bore MST review, so this dreadful soul-withering news seemed like a perfect opportunity to follow up on our hatred for Van Helsing by spitting a little venomous bile in its general direction.

But first, Entertainment Industry News! And what would entertainment news be without vile, salacious rumors and accusations leveled against a popular A-List actor? Usually, that would be this show. However, news of recent charges of sexual assault leveled against John Travolta of The Experts fame that breath life into past accusations of the Swordfish star's closeted homosexuality, and so The Movie Guys decided to run with the story. Not because of the supposed scandal that claiming the co-star of Look Who's Talking is secretly gay is supposed to evoke, nor the fact that it is yet another (yawn) Hollywood celebrity sex scandal.

No, instead, we decided to run with the story based solely on the fact that the publicized text from the actual lawsuit spends an inordinate amount of time describing various aspects of John Travolta's penis, demonstrates the awkward sexual advances of a film star normally portrayed on screen in films like Perfect as a smooth operator, and includes accusations that he was forced to perform gay sex acts to secure the role of Vinnie Barbarino on Welcome Back, Kotter. (Scott's money is on Gabe Kaplan).

But fear not! We don't spend too much time on John Travolta's penis, as our recent re-watching of Van Helsing is more than enough to leave one feeling used and violated. Between Hugh Jackman's hair extensions and John Travolta's penis, there is plenty in this week's episode to leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Tune in and listen to the show on iTunes (be sure to leave us some more awesome reviews!) and Stitcher (for Smartphone and BMW owners alike), or watch the video version of the show over at Livestream (including LIVE RECORDINGS every Thursday night starting around 8PM). Of course, you can listen and/or watch us from the Moviesucktastic Site as well, which includes links to other online locations of MST goodness. While you're at it, visit us on Facebook and Twitter so we don't get too lonely.

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