Sunday, October 7, 2007

Welcome to Celuloid Hell

Exactly how mind-numbingly Godawful does the fall stable of films have to be for the top-grossing films of the past month to be Resident Evil 3 and The Game Plan?

Now, I'll be perfectly honest and admit that watching Paul Anderson's latest crapfest and The Rock's stab at Kindergarten Cop hit number one at the Box Office makes me want to rinse my mouth out with lemon-soaked razor blades. But the only thing more unfathomable then people lining up to pay hard-earned money to see this crap is the shock the studios are undergoing at the demise of films they were convinced would be hits.

A few hints for the typically clueless studio execs about their recent lineup failures:

The Dark is Rising: What happens when you try to jump on the magical epic children series franchise bandwagon five years too late? Huge flop. If Neil Gaimen's Stardust disaster wasn't enough warning, then maybe you should have seen through your focus groups' lies and realized that most people are simply too afraid of looking dull and boorish to admit that they are sick to fucking death of the Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings/Chronicles of Narnia shit. More mindless cartoons, please.

The Heartbreak Kid: Leave it to these idiots to beat the Something About Mary horse to death with a rusty tire iron. Someone should either get Ben Stiller a new agent, or just put a shotgun to the back of his head and end his suffering now. Christ, even Jim Carey realized that people will get fed up with you if you keep pulling the same three expressions over and over again. Even if you didn't care for The Number 23, you have to admit its better than cranking out Dumb & Dumber/Ace Ventura clones.

The Kingdom: Not exactly a flop, but still not making as much as the critical acclaim should be justifying. Why the lackluster interest about Americans being killed in the Middle East? Maybe, just maybe, its because we've been watching happen for real in the news every day for the past six years! What, you thought Middle-Eastern Conflict was an untapped market? The saddest part is that America's preference of watching The Rock scold an eight year old girl over enduring more war footage is going to be blamed on Jamie Foxx's "Viability as a Lead Actor" and not on some studio head's ognorance of the phrase "Oversaturated Market."