Friday, March 6, 2009

Watchmen: The Midnight Take

The numbers are in! The Watchmen is estimated to have made $4.6 million at the midnight shows for it's March 6th release.

The film played in 1595 screens across the country at midnight and today will open to 3,611 screens which is the highest ever for an R rated film.

This also puts it ahead of Zack Snyder's 300, which made $2.5 million during its midnight tally back in March of 2007. It then went on to gross $70.9 million in it's opening weekend which is the largest ever for March... until weekend, of course.

Saw VI: Lemony Freshness in an Open Wound

I don't watch much television these days, mostly because I don't nee the aggravation. But in the past couple of weeks, I have noticed a series of Pledge commercials that feature housewives being locked in a glass cube with dusty furniture.

The more I see these commercials, the more I can see this glass box showing up as a torture test in the next SAW sequel. One scene particular keeps popping into my head:


The warehouse is full of old boxes, discarded machine shop equipment, and random piles of trash. A large glass box sits inside the center of the space. Inside the glass box is a mock setup of a household kitchen, including a breakfast nook, an over sized refrigerator, and a counter-mounted television . The counters, cabinets, and appliances are all coated in filth.

A Young Woman sits unconscious on a kitchen chair inside the glass box. She is dressed in casual clothing, and looks as if she has recently been in a scuffle. A large metal collar is around her neck. A long metal cord attaches the collar to the television.

The Young Woman wakes up. Confused and panicking, she whips her head around. The cord pulls a pin out of the television. The television turns on. Jigsaw's tricycle riding puppet appears on the screen.

Hell0, Judith. I want to play a game with you.

The Young Woman, Judith, paces around the mock kitchen, examining the glass walls for openings and looking in random cabinets.

You have been an untidy person your entire life.
Messy, sloppy, and unkempt, you have stumbled
through life allowing others to clean up after you.
You have voluntarily spent your life living in filth,
condemning your few friends and loved ones to
suffer through the mobile rubbish bin you call your

It is now your turn to clean up after others,
Now is your chance to prove that you are worthy
of the life you have so carelessly filled with clutter
and refuse.

Judith opens a cabinet over the television. In it are a can of Pledge, a roll of paper towels, and a time clock. The time clock turns on and starts counting down from twenty minutes.

This kitchen once belonged to a notorious bachelor
pad, a house in which twelve men lived as you have,
never cleaning, never tidying, never picking up after
themselves. The house was eventually abandoned
with six months of back rent owed.

You have twenty minutes to clean every surface of
this kitchen until it is completely free of all dust, dirt,
grime, mildew, mold, and allergens. If the kitchen has
not been cleaned to showroom quality by the time the
clock runs out, your glass cage will become your tomb.
The walls will compress down to a one foot cube,
which will be picked up by a rubbish collection agency
tomorrow morning.

Judith grabs the paper towels and Pledge. She looks at them. She looks around the room. She looks back at the can of Pledge.

The television turns off.
Judith Screams.

The big twist ending could be that, since Jigsaw is dead, these new attacks have been perpetrated by his latest accomplices, the two British cleaning women from How Clean is Your House?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Cinematic Titanic sinks Blood of the Vampires

People who love bad movies like we do are usually huge fans of the cult television series Mystery Science Theater 3000. MST3K may have ended years ago, but the spirit of mocking terrible films lives on. The creator and original cast of MST3K are back, serving up a new host of bad movies in an all new format called Cinematic Titanic.

Their newest episode, due out March 19th, features the 1966 Filipino Gothic horror flick Blood of the Vampires. I urge all bad movie fans to order this DVD and support this brave crew, who are braving the trenches once again to deliver us the crappy films we so desire.