Moviesucktastic

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bad Movie DVD Releases for August 4

Brace yourself, folks! New DVDs are on the way! If you thought that bad movies were restricted to '60s science fiction, '70s martial arts, and '80s teen comedies, then get ready for the awful reality, that there is always a new bad movie just around the corner! Check out what cinematic atrocities are hitting the shelves this week:

Race to Witch Mountain - Starring Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, AnnaSophia Robb, and Alexander Ludwig.

Every six months, a Disney executive wonders aloud "I wonder what classic slice of cinema in our film vaults we haven't bent over a table and anally raped with a huge CGI budget yet?" This past summer, the answer came back Escape to Witch Mountain, which they changed to Race, I'm assuming because Escape didn't test well. The lesson learned? The Rock is not a suitable

Cover via Amazon

replacement for Jason O'Day, no matter what the predicament.

Obsessed - starring Beyoncé Knowles, Idris Elba, Ali Larter, and Jerry O'Connell.

In 1987, Michael Douglas lived every Professional White Male's ultimate fear; a business-trip one-night-stand coming back to haunt him. Now, twenty years later, Beyonce (which I am assuming is simply French for Bouncy) lives the fear of every Professional Black Male's Wife; white women. If Spike Lee had directed Disclosure, it might have looked something like this.

Big Trouble in Little China - starring Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, Dennis Dun, and James Hong.

The ultimate guilty pleasure of every schlock movie fanatic, and arguably the Kim Cattrall's only decent contribution to cinema, finally hits Blu-ray! As Jack Burton would say, "Son of a bitch must pay."

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Season Three

The fact that these two untalented tools somehow managed to not only get their own television show, but now have DVD box sets of that show, is further proof to me that we live in a godless void of a universe, devoid of justice or goodness on any spiritual level.

Cover of Mimic

Mutant Chronicles - starring Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman, and John Malkovich

Now available on DVD and Blu-ray. This film had its theatrical release bumped, and premiered on the SyFy channel. 'Nuff said.

Blade II - starring Danny John-Jules, Thomas Kretschmann, Ron Perlman, and Wesley Snipes.

Crappy sequel #6,723 gets the Blu-ray treatment. Utilizing several crappy sequel cliches, including Kriss Kristofferson in the ever popular role of "Hey, didn't you die in the first film?"

Mimic - starring F. Murray Abraham, Josh Brolin, Charles S. Dutton, and Alix Koromzay.

More often than not, Josh Brolin's name in the cast role is not a good sign for movie-viewers. Combine a Josh Brolin role with giant killer cockroaches that disguise themselves as trench coat-wearing subway commuters? You're gonna lose. Guillermo del Toro's direction (his ever-present generation gap duo) make this film watchable, but that's as far as I'll go.

There's more, but we should probably stop there. Don't worry, there will be plenty more next week.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Weekend Box Office Estimates 7/24 - 7/26

1 G-Force BV $32,152,000
2 Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince WB $30,000,000
3 The Ugly Truth Sony $27,000,000
4 Orphan WB $12,770,000
5 Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs Fox $8,200,000
6 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen P/DW $8,000,000
7 The Hangover WB $6,465,000
8 The Proposal BV $6,423,000
9 Public Enemies Uni. $4,170,000
10 Bruno Uni. $2,719,000

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Schwarzenegger and the End of Days

While working on an article this morning, I was reminded of Arnold Schwarzenegger's biblical

Image via Wikipedia

apocalypse action-fest End of Days. Obviously, the need to share my feelings about the film was overwhelming.

In what was most likely an attempt for Arnold to break out of the comical role that he had portrayed in more than half of his last dozen films, his leading role in End of Days is that of a dark, brooding, depressed man who is still emotionally haunted by the death of his wife and daughter. Unfortunately, the cliche riddled film does little to shake off the stigma of redundancy by also including his character as an abrasive ex-cop who doesn't play by the rules, Satan on Earth portrayed as a suave businessman, an "end of days" scenario that involves Christmas and New Years Eve, and a race to save the world that involves plenty of gun fights and action sequences.

On a refreshing note, Gabriel Byrne gleefully refuses to break out of his rut of mundane monotone acting as he plays an earthbound Satan that displays his potential for evil by being deviously untruthful and sleeping with a woman and her daughter at the same time, criteria which would wold probably nominate at least a hundred or so current and former CEOs and politicians for the position of Ruler of Hell.

There's a lot to groan about in End of Days. It is the kind of film that unflinchingly declares its comfortableness with mediocre screenwriting at the beginning, when it has Arnold throw a slice of cold pizza in a blender for a breakfast shake to demonstrate his character's lack of predictability and adherence to convention, and the proceeds the keep the intelligence level of the film's story at a Tales from the Crypt level of sophistication and depth.

Not that one usually expects sophistication and depth from a Schwarzenegger film. But when push comes to shove, End of Days is philosophically inferior to The 6th Day, less plausible than Total Recall, and not even remotely frightening as Junior.

I dare you to deny the crappy of that.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Weekend Box Office Estimates 7/3 - 7/5

1 Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs Fox $42,500,000
2 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen P/DW $42,500,000
3 Public Enemies Uni. $26,172,000
4 The Proposal BV $12,779,000
5 The Hangover WB $10,415,000
6 Up BV $6,579,000
7 My Sister's Keeper WB $5,255,000
8 The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 Sony $2,500,000
10 Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Fox $2,100,000

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Wolverine Reviewer Attacked by Scientologists?

Roger Friedman Files $5.2 Million Lawsuit Against Fox News

You might not remember Roger Friedman by name. He's the jackass that was fired for reviewing a downloaded workprint of the film X-Men Origins: Wolverine that had made the news a week or two before the film premiered in theaters. Apparently, he didn't

Image by marthouli via Flickr

think that his employer's parent company, 2oth Century Fox, would have a problem with one of their journalists legitimizing online pirating of their blockbuster theatrical releases by watching and reviewing one.

Well, Roger's got a surprise for them. He's suing them to the tune of $5.2 Million dollars, nearly enough money for him to produce his own version of The Room. That's a big chunk of change for a film reviewer to demand for a Wrongful Termination suit. There must be an angle.

The angle, of course, is that Friedman decided that he hadn't quite pissed off enough Hollywood elites yet. So, he's upped the ante by claiming that he wasn't let go because of his poor decision-making skills, but because of the Church of Scientology. It seems that Roger has written some articles in the past that are a tad critical of the L. Ron Hubbard founded religion. His lawsuit states that Scientologists and those sympathetic to the cause within News Corp weren't happy with him, and were just looking for an excuse to get rid of him.

Roger Friedman might not care who he pisses off, but he might want to tread lightly when throwing around accusations that include the Church of Scientology, one of the most litigious religious groups in existence that has been known to sue news organizations for defamation at the drop of a hat. His new employers over at the Hollywood Reporter must be thrilled.

Posted using ShareThis

Monday, June 29, 2009

Oscars Eliminate Presentations and Awards in order to "Broaden Options"

I'm sure we weren't the first ones to do it, and we certainly weren't the only ones, but the minute the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announce the doubling of the Best Picture

Image via Wikipedia

category, we quickly predicted that other awards and presentations would soon be cut to make room for all of those Best Pictures in the televised award ceremony.

Well, the news came out today, and we heartily say "I told you so!"

The Academy announced that the rules would be changed involving the selection of Best Song so that, if the board decides that there aren't any exceptional songs that year, the category can actually be dropped. This means that if only two or three really great songs are released in films in a given year, the board can arbitrarily decide not to honor any of them. How much do you want to bet that the first Ten Best Pictures ceremony sees the first inaction of this rule. Any takers?

The other big announcement, and even a bigger blow, is that the 'testimonial' awards won't be performed live during the ceremony, but instead be awarded during an non-televised black tie event prior to the main event. Among these are the Honorary Oscars for Career Excellence, also known as the We-Screwed-Up awards that they always end up giving to exceptional actors and directors who aren't recognized for their brilliance until they are either dead or retired. This half-assed way of apologizing for ignoring major talent until after the fact has always been a bit suspect, but now that they aren't even including it in the big show, its even more of an insult as well.

More cheesiness from the Academy as it occurs...

Weekend Box Office Estimates 6/26 - 6/28

1 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen P/DW $112,000,000
2 The Proposal BV $18,466,000
3 The Hangover WB $17,215,000
4 Up BV $13,046,000
5 My Sister's Keeper WB $12,030,000
6 Year One Sony $5,800,000
7 The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 Sony $5,400,000
8 Star Trek Par. $3,606,000
9 Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Fox $3,500,000
10 Away We Go Focus $1,678,000
11 Land of the Lost Uni. $1,143,000
12 Terminator Salvation WB $1,085,000

Let it also be known that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen made $201 million in its 5 day tally. This is only second to The Dark Knight, which made $204 million in the same 5 day span.