Moviesucktastic

The Official Moviesucktastic Oscar Nominations Film List/Guide/Ballot

2012-01-30T16:55:00.000-05:00

Best Picture
War Horse
The Artist
Moneyball
The Descendants
The Tree of Life
Midnight in Paris
The Help
Hugo
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Best Actress
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Viola Davis, The Help
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

Best Actor
Demian Bichir, A Better Life
George Clooney, The Descendants
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Brad Pitt, Moneyball

Supporting Actress
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help

Supporting Actor
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Best Director

Michel Hazanivicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life

Best Original Screenplay
Michel Hazanivicius, The Artist
Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo, Bridesmaids
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
J.C. Chandor, Margin Call
Asghar Farhadi, A Separation

Best Adapted Screenplay
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, The Descendants
John Logan, Hugo
George Clooney, Beau Willimon and Grant Heslov, The Ides of March

Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin and Stan Chervin, Moneyball
Bridget O'Connor and Peter Straughan, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Foreign Feature
Bullhead
Footnote
In Darkness
Monsieur Lazhar
A Separation

Best Animated Feature
A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

Art Direction

The Artist
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
War Horse

Cinematography
The Artist
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
The Tree of Life
War Horse

Costume Design
Anonymous
The Artist
Hugo
Jane Eyre

W.E.

Documentary Feature
Hell and Back Again
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Pina
Undefeated

Documentary Short Subject
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad
Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

Film Editing

Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Kevin Tent, The Descendants
Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Thelma Schoonmaker, Hugo
Christopher Tellefsen, Moneyball

Makeup
Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle, Albert Nobbs
Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland, The Iron Lady

Music (Original Score)
John Williams, The Adventures of Tintin
Ludovic Bource, The Artist
Howard Shore, Hugo
Alberto Iglesias, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

John Williams, War Horse

Music (Original Song)
"Man or Muppet" from The Muppets, Bret McKenzie
"Real in Rio" from Rio, Sergio Mendes, Carlinhos Brown and Siedah Garrett

Sound Editing
Drive
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

Sound Mixing
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Moneyball
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

War Horse

Visual Effects
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Real Steel
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Short Film (Animated)
Dimanche/Sunday
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life

Short Film (Live Action)
Pentecost
Raju
The Shore
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic

Moviesucktastic #59: 2012 Oscar Nominations Show

2012-01-26T15:35:00.000-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

As happens every year, Bad Movie Month (January) leads into the supposedly Good Movie Month of February with Oscar Season, and The Movie Guys take advantage of this seasonal event by using this episode of Moviesucktastic to take their initial look at the newly released Academy of Motion Picture's list of Oscar Nominees!

Joey and Scott take a few moments at the beginning of the show to talk about Scott's new job, his recent trip to California, his eager consumption of cow throat glands and his long term issues with ear wax buildup, before diving into the past weekend's Top Ten Box Office list. As usual, the Top Ten segment wraps up with the Finger List, and Scott trashing a widely respected film (this week's title to incur Scott's hatred: Schindler's List).

Schindler's List - Best Romantic Comedy Ever

After a brief moment spent lamenting the recent trend towards 3D in films (yes, again), and a quick verbal assault on New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, Joey and Scott spend the second half of the show taking a closer look at the Nominees for the 2012 Academy Awards. As well as the usual bitching and moaning about the Academy, their recent Ten Best Picture decision (Nine this year, just to be annoying), and hammering out the details of this year's live video podcast of the Moviesucktastic Oscar coverage, Joey and Scott touch on the films filling the roster of the top main categories. Tune in and get the inside scoop on who is going to win, who is going to lose, and how lame Ben Stiller is going to be this year. The time to prepare for this year's Oscar Awards show is rapidly dwindling!

Trailer for Every Oscar-Winning Movie Ever

This episode of Moviesucktastic is available on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup and Pod Feed. If you are on the go, you can stream it on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the Moviesucktastic Hotline, 908-514-4470. Call in with your Oscar predictions and shame us!

Moviesucktastic #52: Batman Returns, 11-11-11

2011-11-21T19:49:00.001-05:00

Welcome to Moviesucktastic #52, brought to you by the classic crime drama 52 Pick-Up.

This episode, Joey and Scott delve into the dark recesses of the new film 11-11-11. Not since Friday the 13th has a premier-weekend-opening-date-specific titled film been so eagerly anticipated by an audience thrilled by the mere concept of seeing a film in a theater on the date scrawled across the marquee! Does the film have anything to offer besides a conveniently coincidental release date and title? If by "anything" you mean moments of spine-tingling terror emanating from the masterfully crafted screenplay of a taught theological thriller, then the answer is a sad, whimpering "no."

But not so fast! Before delving into the Land of Elevens, The Movie Guys (Joey and Scott) examine the top ten box office hits of the past week, weighing in on the hits and misses, adding their own entries into this week's Finger List, and inexplicably remembering that episode of Silver Spoons in which a young Rick Schroder dressed up in drag so he could accompany his lonely friend on a date.

But not so fast! Before they can get hip-deep in pseudo-numerology, Scott diverges onto a path leading towards bitter rage and indignation. Having recently bumped into one of those vile, soulless bastards trolling the internet and acting like complete ass-hats whenever they should stumble upon those whose opinions differ from theirs (you know the type), Scott taps into his reserve of Post-Avatar-Aggression and swings long and hard at the Facebook loser who dared to imply that his dislike of the Tim Burton travesty Batman Returns disqualified him from being able to call himself a "Film Buff."

Knowing better than to get in the way of one of Scott's tirade's, Joey steps back and lets Scott take over for a lengthy and unapologetic rant against Batman Returns and those Facebook fiends who would dare question his film criticism credentials while defending such a steaming pile of cinema. Just to show they play fair, the Moviesucktastic Hotline number is given out, along with an invitation for Scott's newest reel rival to call in and defend his honor.Let us hope he takes the bait.

Finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, Joey and Scott wearily descend upon this week's feature review, the tragically boring and poorly crafted 11-11-11, written and directed by Saw II, III and IV director Darren Lynn Bousman, and forever tainting the sterling reputation of the Saw film franchise. Joey and Scott spend a great deal of time struggling to come to terms with how hackneyed and cliche the film's plot is, how badly and ham-fisted the dialogue is, and how non-frightening the multitude of cat-in-closet scares were overall. In fact, according to Scott, the creepiest part of the entire film is how in-depth Joey became with spotting the instances of the number eleven being surgically implanted into the film's background. If you can't tell how this one ends after the fifteen minutes, you might be the same guy who defended Batman Returns as a work of cinematic genius. Scott ends their sad look back at 11-11-11 by recommending a good film involving evil religious cults, The Nameless.

As with previous episodes, the show wraps up with yet another installment of Scott's Sucktastic Theater, in which he continues reading from the novel which served as the inspiration for the film Gymkata, Dan Tyler Moore's The Terrible Game.

"Jonathan could literally feel the wild nervous energy of his pony."

Moviesucktastic #51: Action Jackson

2011-11-11T09:57:00.001-05:00

Image via Wikipedia
In the tradition of Formula 51, Planet 51, Dossier 51, and of course, Area 51, Moviesucktastic brings you: Episode #51! For this landmark episode (our very first fifty-first episode!), Joey and Scott tackle the man of the hour, a tower of power, and cool Detroit cop all the ladies want to be frisked by, the one and only Action Jackson!

The Movie Guys start off the show with some industry news, discussing Brett Ratner's unceremonious removal as Producer of the 84th Annual Academy Awards show due to his "Rehearsals are for fags" comment (proving that he chooses his words as carefully as he chooses films to direct, i.e X-Men: The Last Stand, Red Dragon, Rush Hour, Rush Hour 2, Rush Hour 3), and Twilight-meets-Grimm fairy tale film adaptation Snow White and the Huntsman, in which the Huntsman not only refuses to kill Snow White, but trains her for combat to defend herself (proving that Hollywood can take even a classic story already told hundreds of times and weigh it down even further with a tired premise).

After this brief look at the dismal state of affairs regarding upcoming releases, all eyes turn to the indomitable Action Jackson! Don't let the carbon-copy James Bond movie poster fool you: Sgt. Jericho "Action" Jackson is no 007. No sir, this tough as nails Detroit cop doesn't play Blackjack and sip martinis, he plays dominoes and cracks open big cans of whoop-ass, all while spending as much time shirtless as humanly possible. The future city of Detroit might need a Robocop to protect it, but the only thing this modern day Motor City needs to stop the evil plans of Auto Magnate Craig T. Nelson (and do you really need a reason to want to see someone beat the living snot out of Craig T. Nelson?) is an Oh-No Cop, as in Oh No You Didn't! Or, as Action Jackson would say: "How do you like your ribs?" Just be warned: whatever you do, don't piss him off.

The show wraps up with yet another installment of Scott's Sucktastic Theater, in which he continues reading from the novel which served as the inspiration for the film Gymkata, Dan Tyler Moore's The Terrible Game. For good measure, Scott and Joey share some quick stories pant-less about mutual friend Buszna before signing off.

This episode of Moviesucktastic is available on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup and Pod Feed. If you are on the go, you can stream it on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the Moviesucktastic Hotline, 908-514-4470. Just don't talk no jive, unless you're prepared for some Jackson Action.

Moviesucktastic #50: Dungeons & Dragons, Severed: Forest of the Dead

2011-11-10T12:37:00.002-05:00

Image via WikipediaMilestones are often causes for celebration. Anniversaries are frequently marked as joyous occasions. But for Joey & Scott, the fearless hosts of Moviesucktastic, the recording of episode #50 of their podcast dedicated to the contemplation and appreciation of awful cinema brings with only more pain, suffering, and human degradation. Instead of passing around party favors and pointy hats, the Movie Guys broke out the twenty-sided dice and flannel shirts for a double feature of crappy movies.

For those of you who thought that the upcoming Battleship was the first epic film based on a game, the Movie Guys cover the adaptation that role-playing game geeks have struggled to forget for years, the regretful Dungeons & Dragons. This failure to successfully cash in on the trademark of a cultural marketing phenomenon, rivaled only by the dismal Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie, features the questionable performances of the overacting Jeremy Irons, the overestimated Justin Whalin, the overly annoying Marlon Wayans, and a supporting cast of people who should have known better (with the possible exception of Richard O'Brien, who pretty much exists in his own unique cinematic world). Bonus points for the appearance of Lee Arenberg, who starred as a disgusting bald dwarf warrior before going on to take on the role of everyone's favorite disgusting bald pirate in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Minus points for blue lipstick.

After this abysmal dungeon crawl, Scott consumed a bottle (or two, or three) of basement-brewed wine before following Joey into the thick, overgrown jungle of disappointing zombie films that is Severed: Forest of the Dead. When you hear Lumberjacks and Environmental Activists vs. Zombies, do you think Chainsaws, Bulldozers, and Picket Signs driven through zombified skulls? Then prepare to be disappointed as you slog through this week's Moviesucktastic Home Game selection, brought streaming into your homes by the money-grubbing bastards at Netflix. Despite the tantalizing promise that this low-budget horror film will deliver an "undead gore fest that makes a run-in with a wood chipper seem tame," the closest you'll get to any real gore is when you claw your eyes out from sheer boredom during the riveting dinner-table conversation scenes.

Coming Attractions: Action Jackson (1988)

2011-11-08T09:42:00.002-05:00

Image via WikipediaComing up in episode #51 of Moviesucktastic, Joey and Scott weather the Carl Weathers vehicle Action Jackson, a sad and futile attempt of late 1980s filmmakers to recreate the gritty, hardcore magic of black exploitation cinema classics such as Richard Roundtree's Shaft, and make Carl "Expendable Co-Star" Weathers a leading man.

Don't let the carbon-copy James Bond movie poster fool you: Sgt. Jericho "Action" Jackson is no 007. No sir, this tough as nails Detroit cop doesn't play Blackjack and sip martinis, he plays dominoes and cracks open big cans of whoop-ass, all while spending as much time shirtless as humanly possible. The future city of Detroit might need a Robocop to protect it, but the only thing this modern day Motor City needs to stop the evil plans of Auto Magnate Craig T. Nelson (and do you really need a reason to want to see someone beat the living snot out of Craig T. Nelson?) is an Oh-No Cop, as in Oh No You Didn't! Or, as Action Jackson would say: "How do you like your ribs?"

On a positive note, this is probably one of the few films in which Carl Weathers doesn't die. (Does that qualify as a spoiler?)

Where the Boys Are

2011-11-03T11:12:00.001-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

"The cool thing about the Village People is that they sang songs that were very much like negro spirituals. The spirituals were actually intended/invented as "maps" or "directions" for whatever freed slave happen to be in hiding nearby for safe passage to where ever they wished to go. Village People? Same thing. If you wanted to know where to find a nice fella, you could go either to the YMCA, or go In The Navy, or you could Go West."

- John Dimes, author of There Are No Bad Movies, in regards to a facebook discussion about Can't Stop the Music.

Moviesucktastic #49: Little Man, Birdemic

2011-10-30T13:52:00.000-04:00

Little Man (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)
With Halloween weekend rounding the weekend corner, the Movie Guys decide to take Episode #49 of Moviesucktastic in a completely non-Horror-related direction, apparently hedging on the fact that everyone and their mother is discussing horror films this week, so something a bit out of left field might prove to be a more pleasant diversion.

Joey and Scott start things off by discussing the latest weekend Box Office numbers, taking the time to discuss Paranormal Activity 3, The Three Musketeers, Footloose and more. They also weigh in with their finger list choices for the week, with Joey clinging to his dislike of Dolphin Tale, and Scott standing firm behind his complete and utter disgust with the very existence of The Thing (2011).

The rest of the show is fully of plenty and pain and suffering worthy of comparison to the Jigsaw trap on any entry in the Saw franchise: First, Scott tackles Joey's movie challenge to him, the inexplicably unfunny Wayans Brothers comedy Little Man (apparently known in the Philippines as Perfect Gem & Valuable). Nowhere near the comic genius of Keenan Ivory Wayans' '80s parody I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka, Little Man seems to struggle over the dillemma of which is less funny: potty jokes and sexual assault humor surrounding a midget dressed up like a toddler, or Tracy Morgan. Tough call.

As if CGI midget fart jokes aren't bad enough, the next film tackled as part of the Moviesucktastic Home Game is the student-film-quality global warming cautionary tale called Birdemic, in which an environmentally aware solar panel salesman and his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend attempt to survive an avian apocalypse of hovering, exploding, acid-vomiting kamikaze eagles. There's nothing that can prepare you for how awful this film is, people. You'll just have to watch it on Netflix streaming and see for yourself.

Moviesucktastic #46: Supergirl, Bad Movie Day, and Guest Author Don Smith

2011-09-30T11:49:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia
Now that Joey and Scott have mastered the fine art of recording their podcast episodes through the wonders of Skype, the next step seems perfectly logical: Conference Calling! And what better way to try out our new conference calling abilities then by inviting a special guest host to help review our latest Bad Movie Challenge, Supergirl!

Light years ahead of our previous lengthy interview with author/artist/musician/hepcat John Dimes (episode #26), in which we talked to John with Scott's Droid X on speakerphone propped up against the our Samson SAC01UPAK USB Microphone, our guest simply called us on Skype. Much in the same way that anybody can now, since our podcast was interrupted by an eager fan attempting to call the Moviesucktastic Hotline. Despite that little glitch, everything turned out great!

Which is more than can be said for Supergirl, of course. In order to help us review what is considered by many to be the lowest point in the Superman franchise (until Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and Superman Returns, that is), we were aided by the expert opinions of Don Everitt Smith Jr., author of the new true crime book The Goffle Road Murders of Passaic County: The 1850 Van Winkle Killings. Far from being just a New Jersey crime historian, Don Smith is also a comic book writer for the Bluewater Productions “Political Power” series (featured on Fox News), a freelance comic reviewer and Patch journalist, and occasional Guest Host on Blogtalkradio. Reviewing comic book related films and dealing with opinionated individuals like Joey and Scott is nothing new to the likes of Don, who was recently interviewed about his new book on Parcbench.

Adhering to his busy work schedule, Don was able to spend the first hour of the show with Joey and Scott, going over the Top Ten box office winners for the weekend of September 23 through 25, and earned the distinction of being the first Moviesucktastic Guest Host to weigh in on the Finger List, which also resulted in the first Finger List three-way-tie. He then spent the rest of his time sharing insights and thoughts on Peter O'Toole's professional low point (next to High Spirits, of course), the poorly executed and even more poorly received Supergirl. Don lends a past expertise to his review of the film, having previously interviewed Helen Slater, and being a lifelong comic book fan.

After Don's departure, Joey and Scott finish up their review of Supergirl. Both agree that one of the hardest parts of sitting through the two hour version of Supergirl is watching Peter O'Toole act his heart out, despite being trapped in a supporting role for such a crappy movie. You can almost imagine him interrupting every third take with "You do realize I was in Lawrence of Arabia, right?" It is painful to watch him emoting just as much as he did in Beckett or The Ruling Class while Helen Slater wanders around him trying to figure out what to do. They finish up with a slight reversal of Taking Out the Trash, in which Scott recommends the addition of some scenes to help round out some of the characters, grant the audience closure by tying up loose narrative ends, and padding the film's length with a much needed rating-boosting lesbian scene.

Afterwards, The Movie Guys move on to covering the preparations for the fifth annual Bad Movie Day, including a rundown of the five nominated films currently being voted for on the Moviesucktastic Facebook page: Van Helsing, The Room, C.H.U.D., Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie. They then wrap things up with yet another installment of Scott's Sucktastic Theater, in which he continues reading from the novel which served as the inspiration for the film Gymkata, Dan Tyler Moore's The Terrible Game.

As he left the room Jonathan's father winked. "When you've been with the Burr family thirty years," he said, "it takes more than a couple of men eating breakfast in nothing but black leather pants to astonish you."

This episode of Moviesucktastic is available on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup and Pod Feed. If you are on the go, you can stream it on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the newly acquired Moviesucktastic Hotline, 908-514-4470. Just don't call us while we're recording. At least until we arrange a way for you to call into the show.

Moviesucktastic Episode #41: Virus

2011-08-23T20:35:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia
What's this? Joey and Scott in the same room recording? No! Wait a minute... it's a trick! It appears that The Movie Guys have finally figured out how to harness the limitless power of the Internet using the awesomeness of Skype, and are now recording episode from their respective shelters, the Guida Estates and the Wilson Compound.

With this newfound technological advancement clutched firmly in their hairy knuckles, Episode #41 of Moviesucktastic is structured around Joey's latest movie challenge to Scott, the Jamie Lee Curtis, William Baldwin and Donald Sutherland (which one of these is not like the others) sentient alien life form horror movie Virus! Scott doesn't consider it nearly as painful as some other horror films that have been forced upon him, but he and Joey still find enough to cover extensively.

Virus also receives the honor of launching the newest feature of the Moviesucktastic Podcast Pseudo-Structure: Taking Out the Trash, in which Joey and/or Scott give examples of what they would have done differently in order to make the film at hand more enjoyable, hence effectively removing the bad bits (taking out the trash... get it?) and creating an entirely new and less sucktastic film.

Also featured in this episode are the Top Ten films in the theaters over the past weekend, the latest additions to The Finger List, and the second installment of Scott's Sucktastic Theater, in which he continues reading from the novel which served as the inspiration for the film Gymkata, Dan Tyler Moore's The Terrible Game.

This episode of Moviesucktastic is available on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup and Pod Feed. If you are on the go, you can stream it on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the newly acquired Moviesucktastic Hotline, 908-514-4470. Tell us how much you enjoyed the ending of Skyline. You know you want to.

Episode #40: The Golden Child

2011-08-15T20:11:00.000-04:00

Cover of The Golden Child
Episode #40 of Moviesucktastic is a Casztastic solo episode, featuring Joey's review of Scott's latest challenge to him, the Eddie Murphy 80's classic The Golden Child!

You can hear Joey gush all over Eddie Murphy's comedic talents in this episode of Moviesucktastic on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup and Pod Feed. If you are on the go, you can stream us on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the newly acquired Moviesucktastic Hotline, 908-514-4470. Tell us how much you enjoyed the ending of Skyline. You know you want to.

The "Rape List" (Take Two)

2011-08-13T14:34:00.000-04:00

When Joey and I decided to tackle the subject of rape in cinema for an entire episode of our podcast, Moviesucktastic, we knew that were were treading into sensitive areas. Otherwise, we wouldn't have begun Episode #38 with the rather silly disclaimer that neither of us were actually "Pro-Rape," and were covering the subject matter of rape in a cinematic context because, with all due respect, there are a lot of films, including well respected ones (we're talking Oscar nods here) that broach the subject. So, yes, we were expecting the possibility of some push-back.

But we hadn't been expecting it so quickly. As a sort of companion piece to the show, we posted a list of films including rape scenes that we mention in the episode on our Moviesucktastic Lunch Community page, hosted by Lunch.com. We have partnered with Lunch.com as an easy way to both get our reviews out in written format and allow our listeners to share their own film choices and reviews with us and each other, and we have had nothing but positive things to say about Lunch.com as whole.

And we still have nothing but positive things to say about Lunch.com, even after they chose to take down our list because of a Lunch.com user's complaint. Hell, we understand. Even though the list in know way promoted or trivialized rape (at least, no more than the films we discussed did), it was sure to offend somebody just out of its very existence. If Joey and I were actually making any kind of money off of Moviesucktastic, we'd have probably played it safe and not done the episode at all.

So, no hard feelings. In fact, the only real issue I had with Lunch.com over their removal of the list was their claim that its censoring was due to "sexually explicit material," of which the list contained none whatsoever. However, my displeasure with that was fully expressed in the polite email I sent them in response, and as far as I'm concerned, that's the end of that. Lunch.com is still a groovy awesome site, and the Moviesucktastic Community will remain there as long as they'll have us.

So, just to ensure that the time and effort expending on the list isn't wasted, and to share with those note offended when the word "Rape" is mentioned in regards to the narrative properties of cinematic entertainment, I hereby re-post for your enjoyment and perusal:

The Moviesucktastic "Rape Films" List

1: A Serbian Film

This was the launching pad for the Moviesucktastic "Rape Episode," one of the most disturbing, depressing, and otherwise soul-scarring films you will ever see.

2: Flesh + Blood

Rutger Hauer gets down and dirty in a semi-consensual group-assisted rape scene, gaining extra style points for wiping Jennifer Jason Leigh's virginal blood on his shirt.

3: Sudden Impact

The fourth Dirty Harry film, Clint Eastwood tracks down and ends up helping perpetual girlfriend and co-star Sondra Locke hunt down and exact vengeance I-Spit-On-Your-Grave-Style on the members of the biker gang that gang-raped her years ago.

4: Rosemary's Baby

The Devil did it this time, as an unsuspecting wife is systematically raped by the devil himself during a rather awkward Tenant's Board meeting. Ironically directed by Roman Polanski.

5: Death Wish

Charles Bronson's wife and daughter are brutally raped during a home invasion featuring a surprisingly well-cast Jeff Goldblum in a Jughead hat. A film not to be found on New York City's tourism brochures.

6: Death Wish II

Charles Bronson's Daughter and Housekeeper are brutally raped and murdered by an LA street gang, dispelling the idea of escaping inner-city violence by simply switching coasts.

7: Irreversible

Shaky-Cam Memento-style reverse narrative centered around what has to be the lengthiest and most uncomfortable rape scene ever. I dare you to make it through the entire scene without fast-forwarding.

8: Ms .45: Angel of Vengeance

Abel Ferrara's charming little rape-revenge film, based upon the old adage that Hell hath no fury like a psychosomatic seamstress raped repeatedly in the same afternoon.

9: Raging Bull

Robert De Niro stars as a slow, abusive championship boxer with a penchant for statutory rape. Joe Pesci co-stars.

10: The Evil Dead

Tree-Rape. 'Nuff said.

11: Pulp Fiction

"Does Marsellus Wallace look like a bitch?" It's a good thing Jules never got a chance to ask Zed that question.

12: The Stendhal Syndrome

Overrated Italian filmmaker Dario Argento writes and directs his own daughter's rape sequence. Let's see Francis Ford Coppola top that.

13: Monster

Charlize Theron plays the titular lead character in this film based on the true story of Aileen Wuornos, the Daytona Beach prostitute that turned murdering her rapist johns into an entrepreneurial cash cow.

14: Straw Dogs

Susan George's former boyfriend and his buddies do to her what Sam Peckinpah would later do to audiences with Convoy.

15: Frenzy

Funniest Rape Scene Ever. Even Hitchcock's cinematic genius could overcome the rigid restrictions of the film censorship of the era. Also features the un-funniest Rapist Wrestles With Corpse Of Victim In Potato Truck scene ever.

16: Street Trash

In a film featuring severed penis touch football, oxy-acetaline decapitation, hip-daggers carved from human femur bones and lots of melting homeless people, the humor surrounding the rape and murder of a crime boss' girlfriend is surprisingly one of the least offensive parts of this film. A great movie all around.

17: I Spit On Your Grave

The Citizen Kane of Rape Revenge Films.

18: The Last House on the Left

aka Charlie Manson vs. Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

19: Evil Dead Trap

A late 80s Japanese horror film about a television news crew lured to a desolate location and brutally murdered one by one. Includes a baffling pillow-talk rape scene that takes place in the reporter's vehicle. There's that news van again.

20: Boys Don't Cry

Considering that this is based on a true story, it is very unsettling that the immediate response of the young southern men in the film to discovering that one of their friends is a girl in disguise is to rape him/her.

21: Deliverance

Ned Beatty on the receiving end of one of the most unfortunate pop-culture references ever.

22: A Clockwork Orange

An Honorable Mention for being a film notorious for the brutality of its rape scene despite the complete lack of an actual scene depicting rape.

23: Eye for an Eye

Sally Field listens to her own daughter being brutally raped by Kiefer Sutherland over the phone. Can you hear me now?

24: The Skin I Live In

Antonio Banderas comes up with one of the most twisted, insane, and brilliant rape revenge plots ever. Trust me, just see it.

25: BlueVelvet

"Don't look at me!"

The Moviesucktastic "Rape Films" List

2011-08-12T17:39:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

In response to a recent viewing of the instant cult-status film A Serbian Film, the Movie Guys (Joey and Scott) dedicated the bulk of Moviesucktastic Podcast Episode #38 to rape scenes in popular and underground cinema. What follows below is a list of the films they named and discussed, posted on Moviesucktastic's Lunch.com Community.

The Moviesucktastic "Rape Films" List

Film Critic Dictionary - "Breaking New Ground"

2011-08-12T13:41:00.000-04:00

Image via WikipediaI'm done with movie reviews that feel the need to state/complain that a film "doesn't break new ground." How many films have you ever seen that actually "break new ground?" For that matter, when was the last time an Oscar-winning film was truly and unequivocally "ground breaking?" What ground is there even left to break? Critics who feel the need to state that no "new ground" has been "broken" are just grasping for a way to either knock a film they didn't like but can't effectively trash, or apologize for a positive review of a film that isn't quite up to art-house film-snob standards. You want to "break new ground?" Try reviewing a film on its own merits without trying to size up its overall importance when measured against the history of cinematic expression. A film isn't any less effective or entertaining just because it doesn't transcend modern cinematic principles or push the envelope on narrative structures. Let's leave this arrogant phrase on the heap with "Popcorn Movie" and "Guilty Pleasure."

Episode #39: Source Code, Skyline, Drive Angry

2011-08-08T21:42:00.000-04:00

Image by Andrei Z via Flickr
Episode #39 of Moviesucktastic is a cavalcade of random film reviews, as Joey and Scott do what they do best - ramble on incessantly about films they've recently scene. Among the films on their unplanned agenda are three films that have been regularly trashed by other film critics, but have somehow nestled their way into the hearts of The Movie Guys: Jake Gyllenhaal's time travel train ride Source Code, the ultra-low-budget alien apocalypse flick Skyline, and Nicolas "I'll Literally Do Anything" Cage's gritty comic-bookish car chase extravaganza Drive Angry. Thrill to amazement of listening to Joey and Scott talk about films they actually liked! You'll hardly believe your ears!

You can hear this uncharacteristically upbeat episode of Moviesucktastic on iTunes and Zune, or on Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup and Pod Feed. If you are on the go, you can stream us on the fly directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. And, as always, you can also download or listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the newly acquired Moviesucktastic Hotline, 908-514-4470. Tell us how much you enjoyed the ending of Skyline. You know you want to.

Episode #38 - A Serbian Film

2011-08-02T14:56:00.000-04:00

Image via WikipediaEpisode #38 of Moviesucktastic is now live! In this episode Joey and Scott share their mutual traumatic experience from having just witnessed the psychological sucker punch that is A Serbian Film. Considering the mature and brutal nature of the film's adult sexual themes, the Movie Guys decide to use it as a launching board for a lengthy discussion of rape scenes in films. Personal favorites include Irreversible with dual acknowledgments for Most Uncomfortable and Longest Rape Sequence, and a tip of the hat to Hitchcock's Frenzy for Funniest Rape Sequence Ever.

You can you listen to the lengthy "Rape Episode" of Moviesucktastic on iTunes and Zune. We can also be found on Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup and Pod Feed, or you can stream us directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. As always, you can also listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

If our flippant attitude towards the portrayal of rape in cinema offends or titillates you, be sure to drop us a voice mail voicing your outrage/amusement on the Moviesucktastic Hotline, 908-514-4470. We will make sure your voiced opinions are heard!

Episode #37 - You Sunk My Beowulf!

2011-07-29T17:54:00.000-04:00

Image by unloveablesteve via FlickrEpisode #37 of Moviesucktastic is now live! This episode is a Scottastic solo episode, and he starts the show at full speed with a frustrated rant against the mere existence of the new mega-budget Hasbro board-game tie-in movie, Battleship!

After Scott vents a bit and covers the top ten box office and his Finger List pick, he takes a moment to introduce a new segment intended to inject a little cultural depth into the show by reading portions of the book The Terrible Game, which was eventually adapted into the classic cult film Gymkata.

With literary pursuits out of the way, Scott offers his own observations on Joey's previous challenge, the 1999 pseudo-futuristic adaptation of Beowulf starring Christopher Lambert, and reviews Joey's challenge to him, the tepid and uninspired werewolf film Skinwalkers.

We've been adding podcast providers left and right this month, so not only can you listen to the show on iTunes and Zune, we can also be found on Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup and Pod Feed, or you can stream us directly onto your smart phone using the sweet-ass Stitcher App. As always, you can also listen to the show streaming at Moviesucktastic.com.

And while you're at it, be sure to drop us a voice mail on the newly acquired Moviesucktastic Hotline, 908-514-4470. Hell, you've listened to us jabber about movies for almost two years now, maybe it's time we started listening to you for a change!

Episode #36 - Joey agonizes over Christopher Lambert's futuristic Beowulf

2011-07-22T11:10:00.000-04:00

Image via WikipediaWhen you find yourself reading classic literature featuring the heroic quests of knights and feats of uncompromising acts of valor and bravery, do they often invoke in your mind images of apocalyptic wastelands, techno music and gymnastics? Yeah, we thought you might.

Podcast Episode #36 is now live on the Moviesucktastic website, as well as iTunes, Podcast Pickle, Podcast Pup, PodFeed. You can also listen to us using our newest broadcasting provider, Stitcher, which allows you to stream your favorite music and podcasts right to your smartphone, iPad, or other portable device. That's right, we're EVERYWHERE! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! Bow to our global domination and tune into Joey's latest solo episode as he covers the abysmally low-budget 1999 futuristic sci-fi adaptation of the classic Old English epic poem Beowulf.

Great, Just What We Need: Another Fairy Tale Movie.

2011-07-18T09:39:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia
Dark Horizons: Sean Bean Joins Tarsem's "Snow White"

Sean Bean has joined the cast of the untitled "Snow White" project at Relativity Media says Variety.

Bean will portray the King who used to the rule the land before the Evil Queen (Julia Roberts) destroyed the kingdom. He is also the father of Snow White (Lily Collins).

Armie Hammer also stars as Prince Alcott. Tarsem Singh is directing from a screenplay by Melisa Wallack and Jason D. Keller. Shooting is already under way with the film targeting a March 16th 2012 release.

More Like "The Waiting Room." - Visiting Hours movie review

2011-07-16T15:23:00.000-04:00

Cover of Visiting HoursMore Like "The Waiting Room." - Visiting Hours movie review

Visiting Hours is a rather uninspiring Canadian-filmed slasher flick, rushed out to capitalize on the success of movies like Halloween, that would have been completely forgotten if not for two coincidental achievements: Being the first "Video Nasty" to be shown on British television, and featuring now-pop-culture-icon William Shatner in a minor supporting role.

Disaster Film star Lee Grant plays outspoken news anchor Deborah Ballin, whose unabashed defense of abused women motivates psychopathic loner and chapter He-Men Woman Hater's Club member Michael Ironside to deliver a little home-invasion rebuttal to her argument. After killing the maid (before she could tidy up, no less) and attacking Ballin while wearing her jewelry before fleeing the scene, the distraught news anchor spends the rest of the film waiting in the hospital while Ironside returns for multiple visits (get the title now?), during which he manages to kill everyone except the focus of his feminine hatred.

The film's one-note plotline doesn't have much to play with except this exceedingly drawn out game of Cat & Mouse, even with the mildly distracting subplot of a dedicated single mother and nurse whose dedication pulls her into this deadly feud. Most of the time waiting is filled with what seems like hundreds of cliche false scares (although no cat scares, thankfully), uninteresting conversations, and a rather delightful display of closet designs across the Canadian class spectrum. The tedious pace is delayed even further by Ironside's habit of killing every person he bumps into on his way to the news anchor's hospital bed. A serial killer with at least a passable amount of self-control would have been cleaning her blood off of his shoes before the one-hour mark.

Those settling down to view this slasher in the hopes of some campy Shatner fun will be quickly disappointed: Shatner's role as Grant's husband is brief and un-comically straight forward. But if you came for William Shatner, be sure to stick around for Michael Ironside. Ironside was the typical go-to guy for low budget bad guy roles in the day, and Visiting Hours acts as a perfect showcase for his villainous acting. With a glare that would wilt petunias at fifty paces, Ironside stalks through the film shooting hateful glares that you could feel across a crowded room. His trademark creepy performance may not exactly save the film, but it does make it somewhat more tolerable.

The film does have a few inspired moments, mostly surrounding Ironside's lady killer Colt Hawker. There's one scene in particular, in which he slices the wrong air tube, but decides to stick around and savor the moment anyway, sitting quietly on the edge of the bed and taking pictures of an elderly woman in her final death throes. The film tries to explain his passionate hatred of women with some domestic violence flashbacks, but they end up feeling like simple explanations that take away from the mysteriousness of a man who can drive a Zambonee-sized floor sweeper with soul-cringing malice. And if you ever wanted to watch Michael Ironside in a latex muscle shirt sexually abusing an eighties hair-band refugee, here's your chance.

Visiting Hours isn't exactly a bad film, but rather just a passable, wholly uninspiring film that has little to offer beyond drawn out suspense and the occasional switchblade to the abdomen, neither of which entertain nearly as much as they should.

Drive Angry: So good, you can almost forgive it for being in 3D.

2011-07-16T14:17:00.000-04:00

By every stretch of the imagination, Drive Angry should be a bad movie. Low budget car-chase action flick with demons battling from hell on southern highways? I mean, it's even got Nicholas "Wicker Man" Cage in it. This should definitely suck. Then why is it so damned enjoyable?

Maybe it's because this movie comes right at you with the full intention of being everything that it is without even flinching, let alone apologizing. You want an action/horror flick with gunfights, explosions, foul language, car chases, and plenty of nudity to fill in the gaps? You've got it in spades. Drive Angry throws enough blood, bullets and f-bombs at you in the first ten minutes that it almost starts to feel surreal. In a market where most action films do their best to tone down the sex and violence enough to squeeze a PG-13 out of the final watered-down product, Drive Angry opens the floodgates and reminds the viewer what exploitation action cinema is all about.

You can't get too hung up on the plot: the film doesn't give you the chance. A brief glimpse of Hell as a maximum-security prison is all we get before a muscle car slams through the gates, and the next thing we know, Nicholas Cage is flipping trucks and blowing off body parts with a shotgun. The premise of a prisoner of Hell escaping o earth to save his granddaughter from being sacrificed by a devil worshiping cult is so basic that the film doesn't bother dwelling on it too long - Instead, it doles out ten-second portions of the minute-long plot summary throughout the film in between car chases and gun fights.

Much like the horror film Slither, Drive Angry is a film made by people who love films like this, and you can feel joy and attitude the filmmakers and performers poured into it with every action sequence and nude scene. The characters and action sequences are so stylized you would swear the film was adapted from a comic book, and I mean that in a good way. The writing isn't what you might call original, which is fine; you can tell the writer's are trying to make a fun movie, and not a groundbreaking cinematic treasure. But even the cheesiest lines in the film (and there are a few) manage to stifle the groans they should illicit, because you're just having too much fun to judge.

The performances are almost top-notch across the board. Billy Burke pulls off the charismatic cult leader Jonah King with enough malevolence to secure his place as the bad guy, yet keeps him fun and entertaining as well. When he says he's going to kill a woman then defile her corpse, you not only believe that he means it, you can tell he's going to enjoy it. Amber Heard would be otherwise unforgettable in her female sidekick role if it weren't for the writing behind her character, Piper. Piper isn't just a boring action film tough-as-nails female character; she is so deliciously white-trash and vulgar that you have no problem with her tagging along with an undead convict because she has nothing else better to do. Even Nicholas Cage gives a passable performance as he runs around looking like Kevin Costner's evil twin. Cage Haters will no doubt lambaste him for what might appear to be a wooden performance, but his refuge from Hell character Milton is purposely driven and dedicated to an almost humorously focused degree, and he acts as monotone and subdued as one might expect someone to be after spending a couple of decades hanging out in Hell.

But William Fichtner steals the movie as The Accountant who tracks down Milton in order to return him to his Hellish Cell Block. Fichtner takes a role that could have easily devolved into a pale imitation of Agent Smith from The Matrix, and turns it into the character you're always happy to see the minute he appears. He masterfully weaves subtlety and nuance into a straight-faced delivery that will have you rewinding his scenes just to see the expression on his face a second time.

Above all else, this movie is everything it sets out to be: a hard-edged, graphic action film that avoids melodrama and instead lets you know that it is having as much fun as you are. And you will have fun.

Butcher Knives and Body Counts Edited by Vince Liaguno Book Trailer

2011-06-23T15:58:00.000-04:00

Podcast Video - #27 - The Minority Review

2011-06-23T09:22:00.000-04:00

Video Highlights from Moviesucktastic Podcast #27, in which Joey and Scott review the independent film from 360soundvision, The Minority.

Moviesucktastic at Paramus BooksNJ event!

2011-06-10T08:12:00.000-04:00

Image via WikipediaAttention Moviesucktastic fans! Your favorite opinionated podcast hosts Joey and Scott will be appearing at the BooksNJ Festival at the Paramus, NJ Library on Sunday, June 12, From 1PM to 5PM!

Not only will Scott be shamelessly whoring himself out selling and signing copies of his books Monster Rally and Performed by Lugosi, but Joey and Scott also plan on recording an episode of Moviesucktastic right from the signing table! How cool is that? Very, thank you so much!

As if things couldn't be better than that, all signed copies of Performed by Lugosi purchased will receive a free eBook edition of Monster Rally! Give Joey a noogie, and you get a free eBook as well! Now that's a contest! See you there!

BooksNJ set for Sunday in Paramus - NorthJersey.com: "More than 100 authors, from first-timers such as Paramus' own Steven Paley to New York Times bestselling author Mary Higgins Clark, will be at Paramus Public Library on June 12 for BooksNJ 2011.

Hosted by the Bergen County Cooperative Library System and Paramus Public Library, the event is free to all and will be held from 1 to 5 p.m. It will feature readings, workshops and discussions with writers and illustrators from a large range of genres.

'Everything from children's authors to adult New York Times bestselling authors, illustrators to children's book illustrators and poets will be here, with over 35 panels,' said Paramus Public Library Adult Programming Coordinator Donna Perkosky. 'The group that put this together has put together these panel discussions that allow people to get up close and personal with authors. Many of them are from New Jersey or live in New York; they have some kind of tie to New Jersey.'

Panels include topics such as 'From Post-its To Pages: Writing a Book;' 'An American Favorite: The Picture Book;' 'A Female Heroine From A Male Perspective;' and ''All The President's Men' Jersey Style featuring Josh Margolin and Ted Sherman. Also included are readings by authors for children and workshops hosted by published writers and illustrators."

The Minority Podcast

2011-02-18T09:53:00.000-05:00

2011 seems to be the year for milestones and innovations for Moviesucktastic, as the latest episode of the podcast features yet another first for the show: Episode #27 is the first podcast in which Movie Guys Joey and Scott review a film actually sent to them for review by the filmmakers themselves.

360 Sound and Vision, an independent production company based out f New York, sent us a screener copy of The Minority, starring Billoah Greene and written/directed by Dwayne Buckle (aka D-Buckle). In the words of the promotional website for the film:

Hardworking African American citizen Jake Jackson is constantly subjected to racial biases, until he captures a wanted fugitive, then his luck changes.

At first, your humble podcasts hosts were concerned about the implications. Did these struggling filmmakers realize that our show was dedicated to talking about mostly bad movies? Did the understand what the "Suck" in Moviesucktastic stands for? We were worried that the production company's expectations regarding our critical input (or more precisely, output) might be somewhat excessive.

Even worse, we became concerned that agreeing to review their film would result in a moral dilemma: Never ones to trash a film just for the sake of being mean or spiteful, would we end up giving a boring positive review that would do little to entertain or inform our listeners, who depend on our bitter hatred for films that fall below our rather shallow artistic standards? Even worse, would we be tempted to violate our journalistic ideals and give a negative review to a film undeserving of critical scorn and derision?

Fifteen minutes into the film, we new they had made the right choice.

Listen to the groundbreaking Episode #27 of Moviesucktastic, and find out why it is not only the first episode to feature a solicited review, but the first to ever start with an apology for the review to come. You can download this momentous episode from iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com or stream it directly at the newly updated MovieSucktastic.com website. And if you feel that our review of The Minority was unnecessarily harsh or unkind, be sure to let us know.

Spring Cleaning!

2011-02-18T09:16:00.000-05:00

As spring approaches, warmer weather rapidly approaches, and with it cooler website designs. That's right, Joey (the more technically advanced and level headed of the Movie Guys) has revamped the Moviesucktastic website. Not only is it way more snazzier than before (You can't deny the snazzy of that!), but he's also installed a brand-new podcast player with expanded room for future episodes. Is he cool or what? Head on over and take a look at all the shiny newness and let us know what you think. And don't forget, our live Oscar show is coming up next weekend (just like last year's, only with the inclusion of alcohol), so start your Oscar pools now!

There Are No Bad Movies, Just Bad Podcast Hosts!

2011-02-09T01:49:00.000-05:00

Moviesucktastic Episode #26 goes live today, and with its release, two milestones in Moviesucktastic history are reached! Not only does this episode feature the first-ever Moviesucktastic Interview, it is also the first episode of Moviesuckastic to be released without an 'Explicit' rating! That's right; not only did we bring a fresh new voice and viewpoint into the MST domain, we also managed to prevent Scott from flinging vulgarities a F-bombs around for an entire recording session. The string of expletives he releases in future episodes will no doubt make up the difference.

The multi-talented artist/actor/singer/writer John Dimes, aka Dr. Sarcofiguy (the first and only African American Horror Host), author of the books Coincidissonance and The White Corpse Hustle: A Guide for the Fledgeling Vampire, joined the Movie Guys via the latest high-tech, state-of-the-art phone conferencing technology (Scott propped his Droid X against the microphone) to discuss his latest book, There Are No Bad Movies! (Only Bad Audiences). In the book, John argues that all films merit approval on some level, and that people who nitpick and complain about the trivial flaws and minutia only distract from the overall entertainment value that the films are trying to provide. Proving to be both bold and brave, the author decided to give his pro-movie manifesto the ultimate test by offering up a review an interview by two people who seem to be dedicated to nothing more than trashing and complaining about films.

That would be us.

Armed with only his wit, charm, charisma, and an extensive knowledge of cinema, Dr. Dimes faced off against his mortal enemies in order to defend his position that film critics like Joey and Scott have only themselves to blame for the hardships they endure sitting through films like Alone in the Dark and Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Surprisingly enough (or not so surprisingly - we can be nice guys as long as you're not a filthy Avatar Fanatic), Mr. Dimes and the Movie Guys actually ended up agreeing more than disagreeing. Whether obsessed with bad films or convinced that all movies are good, movie lovers are still movie lovers, and the common ground between these two opposing forces of film criticism proved to be as vast as the failure of James Cameron's Sanctum. What was meant to be a half-hour interview turned into an almost two-hour conversation about everything cinematic under the sun. Tom Cruise, Nicolas Cage, Star Wars, Troll 2, Dakota Fanning, nothing was deemed as off limits - until John listed Van Helsing as one of his favorite films. Joey and Scott politely bowed out in order to prevent the show from going into overtime, but promised to dedicate an entire future episode to their thoughts and opinions on that particular Hugh Jackman contribution to The Arts.

Fun was had by all in the end, and the differences in opinions were dulled by a mutual love of films, making for fantastic conversation and a great episode. We enjoyed having Dr. Sarcofiguy on so much, we are planning on holding him to his promise to come back on the show when his upcoming CD, Demo Demons, is finally released. Until that day arrives, be sure to checkout his book, and to listen to our lengthy interview with him in Episode #26, the John Dimes Interview Episode. You can download it from iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com or streamed directly at MovieSucktastic.com. And if you happen to swing by Amazon and pick up a copy of John's book, be sure to let him know that the Movie Guys over at Moviesucktastic sent you.

Weekend Box Office: Cameron's Cave Conquered by Crazy Coeds!

2011-02-06T14:22:00.000-05:00

Image via WikipediaJoy of Joys! Valentine's Day came early for your Moviesucktastic hosts Joey and Scott, as the estimates of this weekend's Box Office take clearly show that Mr. Avatar's newest 3D offering has been soundly thrashed by the only film daring to challenge it by opening on the same weekend! Who would have predicted (besides us, of course) that James Cameron's harrowing spelunker adventure (based ever-so-loosely on actual events) Sanctum would lose at the box office opening weekend to the Collegiate version of Single White Female, The Roommate? Sanctum may have been a small film for James "Four Years to Film Giant Smurfs" Cameron, but having his $30 million dollar soundly trounced by a film that cost half of that has to sting just a little, especially when the main draw is the decidedly un-CGI Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly sleeping in the same bed. Let's hope Kathryn Bigelow phoned James "Hurt Locker Would Have Been Better In 3D" Cameron this morning and told him to suck it.

Maybe you can blame this one on the titles. Considering the literacy rates in America (just mention subtitles to a prospective audience member and watch them run screaming into the night), titling a film Sanctum is definitely a risk, especially when you consider that you've just saddled a film featuring cave divers with a name that sounds uncomfortably close to Rectum (no doubt the name of the XXX parody already being written in Larry Flynt's deviant little mind). Perhaps he had gained some confidence regarding the title after the success of Inception, not fully grasping how long American film audiences would put up with theater marquees resembling SAT questions. So when it came to picking a film to watch this weekend, most moviegoers no doubt decided to forgo the time it would take to look up the definition of "Sanctum" (noun: 1. a sacred or holy place, 2. an inviolably private place or retreat) and just opted for the blatantly obvious and descriptively titled film. Then again, maybe they're just fed up with all of this 3D crap.

Behind that little chocolate coated goodness, there are no real surprises this weekend. A number of the top ten films are Oscar nominees, as is to be expected, although Ashton Kutcher still holds the title of King of the January Release with No Strings Attached at #3. The King's Speech rides it's Oscar Nominations with pride at #4, and the thankfully Kevin Smith unrelated Green Hornet flounders in mediocrity at #5, looking very unlikely to earn its Hardee's-sponsored money back.

On a side note, I think it is worth pointing out that out of the top twelve films this weekend, only one of them boasts a budget of over $100 million (with no hope of earning its money back), and nine of them at under $50 million, with the three costing under $20 million already grossing more than the budget of the disappointing Tron: Legacy. So much for 3D. Suck it, Cameron.

2011: the Horror Sequel That Can't Be Stopped

2010-12-31T16:51:00.000-05:00

Hello, Moviesucktastic fans! This is Scott, your friendly neighborhood podcast host/film critic. With the New Year rapidly approaching, a mere number of alcohol-soaked hours away, I find myself pondering the completely arbitrary and pointlessly ritualistic changing of the calendar year, and what it means about the events that have occurred over the past twelve months. For this truly is a holiday meant for reflection and anticipation, a weighing of the past's influences and whatever the future might hold.

Normally, the changing over of the old year to the new one is represented by the iconic images of Old Man Time and Baby New Year. The white-bearded elderly soul, back bent and crippled from the trials and tribulations of his past experiences, hands off the baton of responsibility for forging through yet another year to the innocent diaper-clad newborn, and scampers off on withered legs and a crooked cane without even attempting to warn this naive cherub about the horrors that await his brief and harrowing existence.

Image by CornérStoné via Flickr

Being a movie fanatic, I prefer to personify the New Year by comparing it to a film that contains the essence of what the holiday represents. In this case, with the complete nightmare that this past year has become, I don't seem to be able to shake the feeling that January 1 is coming upon us with all of the harsh brutality of a Saw sequel. Just look back at the massive amounts of abject misery and mindless destruction that have occurred over the length of 2010, and ringing in the New Year raises the same levels of terror and dread as waking up strapped into some psychotic cancer patient's homicidal shop project and hearing a prerecorded message explain exactly how gruesome your impending demise is going to be.

This past year has been so screwed up, they might as well have replaced last year's Time's Square ball drop with a bicycle-riding Jigsaw puppet rolling on to every television set in America:

"Hello people. I want to play a game. This coming year, your house values will be driven down by reckless and opportunistic lending practices. Unemployment rates will hover indefinitely high while new jobs are shipped overseas, and soulless corporations alter their business models to exploit the fear of downsizing to squeeze uncompensated productivity out of their underpaid workers. As you struggle to keep your head (and mortgage) above water, your ineffectual political leaders with put on lavish shows of false concern and hollow efforts of economic restoration as your quality of life rapidly deteriorates. Live or die, the choice is yours. Actually, you have no control over it whatsoever; you're basically doomed. Have fun."

Instead of being a time of hope and celebration, this New Year's is like surviving one horrible Jigsaw trap, with other victims viciously destroyed before your eyes while you cling tenaciously to life, only to get shoved through a time-locked door where yet another perilous struggle for survival awaits you. I'm to the point where I'd rather wake up with a spring-loaded mechanical trap strapped to my face and a key surgically implanted in my scrotum than face whatever mindless, spirit-shredding madness 2011 has in store for us. Instead of slowly descending during Dick Clark's uncomfortably humorous countdown, that giant geodesic sphere hanging over Times Square should plummet to the pavement, eject hundreds of spring loaded spikes, then tumble at full speed down Broadway like a giant spiked bowling ball of death and destruction, impaling the crushed and mutilated corpses of the helpless inebriated onlookers, rolling over the unsuspecting crowds in much the same way that 2011 will eventually bulldoze over what's left of spirits.

So, this is Scott from Moviesucktastic, wishing you a Happy New Year, a fun New Year's Eve celebration, and a quick, painless death at the hands of our destructive sociopath Baby New Year.

Game Over.

Brad Pitt, Chilean Miner Movie Producer? Plan B Reportedly Negotiating Rights

2010-11-16T08:36:00.001-05:00

I can see it now: sort of an Ocean's Thirty-Three, in which Brad Pitt and George Clooney lead a ragtag group of high-profile celebrities (and Casey Affleck) on a major heist that involves breaking into a collapsed mine shaft in order to recover Andy Garcia's cuff-links before the trapped Chilean miners are rescued. Steven Soderbergh to direct.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Porn Star Karen Kougar Exxxotica Interview

2010-11-14T14:47:00.001-05:00

Adult Film Star Karen Kougar (get it?) takes time out of her (ahem) busy schedule at the Exxxotica Expo to talk bad movies with The Movie Guys.

Porn Star Karen Kougar Exxxotica Interview, posted with vodpod

Porn Star Julia Ann Exxxotica Interview

2010-11-14T14:45:00.001-05:00

The Movie Guys grab a few minutes with classic porn star Julia Ann, and waste the time asking her about movies.

Porn Star Julia Ann Exxxotica Interview , posted with vodpod

3D Movie Extravaganza

2010-11-14T14:44:00.001-05:00

3D Movie Extravaganza, posted with vodpod

Bela Lugosi Montage

2010-11-14T14:41:00.001-05:00

Bela Lugosi Montage, posted with vodpod

The Expendables Eat, Pray and Love the Hell out of Julia Roberts!

2010-08-19T10:04:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

MovieSucktastic Episode #19 salutes the male movie-going audiences of America!

As anyone paying attention to the never ending battle between Box Office Testosterone and Cinematic Estrogen knows, this past weekend saw the ultimate battle of the sexes take place in the Box Office, with the winner being determined by the yardstick of success that all Americans can agree on: Cold Hard Cash. The results were a major blow to the "Hollywood doesn't need to blow things up to make money" crowd, as The Expendables blew the ever-loving hell out of everything in site to the tune of $12,000,000 more than Julia Roberts' gelato-loving, soul-searching, globe-trotting feelings-fest Eat Pray Love. And that's without any 3D money padding the ticket sales. Eat that, Cameron!

Unfortunately, MovieSucktastic host Joey was not on hand to share in the chest-thumping celebrations. While his triumphant return to the recording of Episode #18 was a great step forward, Joey is still dealing with the long-term emotional and psychological side-effects of being kidnapped and partially brainwashed by obsessive Avatar fanatics. His progress was coming along nicely, but an unfortunate incident involving leftover Chinese food and a late-night screening of The Fifth Element left him in a confused and agitated state of Na'vi regression. So while Joey is finally back, his participation in the show's recording will continue to be sporadic for the near future. You can't rush these things after all.

Scott trudged bravely along, however, blazing new ground as he read some poorly-written listener hate-mail during the show's second half. It seems that an angry Twilight fan took him up on his challenge to the hordes of Twilight Tweens to sound of against him for his harsh review of Twilight: New Moon. Scott performs a dramatic reading of the letter then responds to it, although not as harshly as one might expect.

To round things up, Scott introduces a new expletive-laden feature to the show, and enters James Cameron as the first honorary subject. Cameron made some rather ill-advised comments about 3D films and Kathryn Bigelow's Hurt Locker Oscar win in a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly, and Scott eagerly pounces on these telling Cameron Quotes, using them as yet another excuse to openly insult the man now worshiped by millions of misguided Avatar fans. His comments, while insightful, are not recommended for small children, clergy, or those with a weak and easily offended constitution. But then again, what's new?

Scott's celebration of Manliness and James Cameron hate-fest can be listened to or downloaded from iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com orMovieSucktastic.com.

Inception: Planting a Clue in Sandy Kenyon's Dreamscape

2010-07-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

Joey's Back!

That's right, faithful listeners! Last week, Joey was found huddled on his own doorstep in the morning, covered in sap, pine needles and blue face paint, vainly attempting to nurse the sports section of the Sunday Star Ledger in a feverish delirium. He has since been reunited with his family, and while it will be quite awhile before he is able to speak of his ordeal at the hands of psychotic Avatar fans (the recovery and deprogramming sessions are a slow and gradual process), he has recovered enough to come back and be a part of MovieSucktastic Episode #18!

With Joey in rare form and Scott in attendance, Episode #18 delves into the land of Nod, following the escapades of Dennis Quaid and Leonardo DiCaprio as they explore the deep recesses of the human psyche through dream exploration a quarter of a century apart in Dreamscape and Inception, respectively. While much is said and other topics occasionally intrude (Honestly, you can't shut these two up!), the quality of both films is discussed and dissected, along with their similarities and differences, and some theorizing as to who ripped off who (most of the votes go to Wes Craven, oddly enough).

Differences of opinion also arise when Joey takes a turn in the Rant Chamber and goes on a mini-tirade against ABC Eyewitness News Film Critic Sandy Kenyon, who is apparently (and admittedly) one of the few people in the country stupid enough to be confused by Christopher Nolan's masterful and extremely straightforward screenplay. Also listed among his sins on the show is his purposeful misrepresentation of Inception's concept of the inner mind's dream landscape in an effort to back his "Too Complicated" complaints regarding the film.

The finger list also makes a long-awaited return, and Scott formally and publicly apologizes to the ticket girl at Becky's Drive-In for an unintentionally unflattering and inaccurate physical description of her in his review of Twilight: Eclipse.

Joey and Scott's heartwarming reunion can be listened to or downloaded from iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com orMovieSucktastic.com. Sandy Kenyon can be mocked and ridiculed both directly or indirectly at ABC Eyewitness News.

Before INCEPTION, there was... DREAMSCAPE (1984)

2010-07-16T23:10:00.000-04:00

Cover of Dreamscape

Years before Christopher Nolan had Leonardo DiCaprio teaching Ellen Page how to steal secrets from people’s dreams, Dennis Quaid was saving the President from Snake Men and seducing Kate Capshaw in the 1984 science fiction adventure film Dreamscape. Achieving cult status for a generation of children captivated by the horrific visions now slightly further out of reach with the newly enacted PG-13 rating, Dreamscape is remembered by most children of the eighties as “That film with the giant Snake Head creature.”

Of course, there was far more going on than that. Well, sort of. Dennis Quaid is a rebellious bad-boy psychic forcefully recruited by Max Von Sydow and his sexpot assistant to become a psychic interloper in the dream world. Normally aloof Quaid is quickly converted into selfless dream protector by a kid in a wheelchair with bad dreams, but things get complicated when President (of the United States of America) Eddie Albert comes to the facility because of the horrific nightmares of nuclear destruction that have been keeping him up nights. It turns out that Sydow’s old buddy Christopher Plummer is a really powerful shadow-government official that wants to stop the resident from deactivating America’s nuclear stockpile by having Patricidal Sociopathic Psychic David Patrick Kelly kill him in his dream. Can Quaid and Capshaw save the President and the day?

As far as performances go, the film is all strictly middle of the road. No bad actors per say, but with the possible exception of David Patrick Kelly (is this guy ever NOT creepy?), no one really delivers a breakout performance. Christopher Plummer and Max Von Sydow are both powerful actors, and they manage to exude a lot of tension whenever they are on screen, despite the scripts overall lack of it. Eddie Albert is also solid as the president, but he never really seems up to the physically demanding end-film romp through the post-apocalyptic nightmare landscapes. Keep an eye out for brief appearances by George “Norm” Wendt and the ever-present Peter Jason.

Watching the film over a quarter of a century later, the special effects do not really hold up. The 1980s were full of high-concept science fiction films that did not have the budget or technology to achieve their vision, and Dreamscape easily earns its place on the heap. The end result of this combination was always hit-or-miss; either the film would overcome its restraints and truly shine, or it would eventually overextend its reach and try to pass off poorly executed effects as a finished project. Dreamscape tends to fall more into the latter category. If you were a child in the eighties, you were got used to the bizarre mix of excitement and disappointment that came being subjected to countless Little Films That Almost Could, But Didn’t.

With a film like this, the special effects are everything, and this is where things fall apart. While the Snake Man scene set design is inspired and memorable (probably the only thing that most people who saw this as a child actually remember), the Snake Man’s poor claymation and practically immobile prosthetic head are disappointing and unimpressive, especially when the film revisits them in the climactic end scenes. Beyond the Snake Dream and Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland sequences, the rest of the dream scenes are very flat and uninspiring, settling on soft lighting, wide frames, Vaseline-smeared lenses, and God help us, slow motion. Besides the Caligari-inspired Snake Man scene, the President’s nuclear wasteland sequence is probably the most inventive, from the red-eyed demon dogs and radiation-scarred commuters to David Patrick Kelly’s neon ninja dream warrior action. Even then, the flaws ultimately outweigh these brief glimpses of originality.

There is a lot of potential in the film’s overall concept of psychics invading the dreams of others; the power that comes with being an aware participant in a dream realm, psychic warriors created by the government for covert mental wet works, and even the question of how much control you could actually have over another person’s subconscious. Unfortunately, the film manages to ignore all of these springboard concepts in order to save plenty of screen time for the completely unfulfilling romance between Quaid and Capshaw (Quaid and the Snake Man have more chemistry than these two). The most disappointing part of this is the wasted potential of the psychic forced to turn on the government hell-bent on turning him into a weapon. Films like The Fury and Firestarter (which came out a mere three months earlier) had much more powerful psychics and much more nefarious bad guys. The most Dennis Quaid manages outside of the dream realm is a dirt-bike chase scene, while Plummer’s great performance still comes off more officious than menacing. Actually, Quaid’s character is ultimately the biggest letdown; for someone touted in the beginning of the film as a very powerful psychic, all he manages to do is read Kate Capshaw’s mind once and guess the colors of some flash cards. Even John Edwards would be more useful in an espionage-filled film like this. Speaking of Dream Warriors, considering that Dreamscape came out only three months before everyone’s favorite dream world killer made his debut in A Nightmare on Elm Street, it raises the question of which project started first. David Loughery claims to have written the screenplay back in 1981, which makes me wonder exactly how full of shit might Wes Craven be about his original inspiration for Freddy Krueger.

In the end, Dreamscape is little more than a typical product of the eighties. From the limiting budget to the electronic musical score (It’s so futuristic!), Dreamscape does little more than show those who weren’t there exactly what we were up to, and remind those of us who were there that we loved this stuff back then, flaws and all.

Bad Movie Review: Killers

2010-07-09T11:42:00.000-04:00

Cover of The Osterman Weekend

The concept of a husband, wife or loved one leading a secret life as an undercover agent is nothing new. Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Grosse Point Blanke, True Lies, The Osterman Weekend, Undercover Blues, The In-Laws and many more have handled this particular subject matter. This isn't to say that this can't be done, but you always want to bring something new to the table. Unfortunately, Killers doesn't manage to do this. The real tragedy, however, is that it so easily could have.

The premise is easy enough to explain; Ashton Kutcher marries Katherine Heigl without revealing his past as a government-contracted assassin. She finds out the hard way, however, as their idyllic life is destroyed when people they considered close friends start trying to kill them. Hilarity ensues. For some reason the film feels the need to waste the entire first act setting up the simple premise of Kutcher and Heigl meeting and falling in love, instead of saving all of that for minor back story later in the film. You could miss the entire first act and still have no problem following the movie, and that is never a good thing. This waste of an opening act is made even more unbearable by Heigl's unappealing comedic overacting, and Kutcher's attempts at a suave bond-type voice that just manage to make him sound dubbed.

Heigl and Kutcher aren't unappealing actors, yet they never really manage to be endearing or enjoyable enough to carry you through the film. Other actors in smaller roles easily still the show whenever they share the screen with the lead actors, including Tom Selleck, Catherine O'Hara, and the Daily Show's Rob Riggle, who seems to get what a dark comedy should look like. If the filmmakers had followed Riggle's lead, they might have ended up with a truly fun dark comedy, instead of the light Forgetting Sarah Marshall with Guns that they decided to make.

Surprisingly, the one thing that Killers has going for it is its action sequences. The fight choreography is not only tight and captivating, but there is a really cool car chase through a suburban landscape that is actually impressive. Little flashes like this really underline the almost schizophrenic nature of the film. The action sequences show a desire to make a hard-hitting dark comedy about government assassins and deadly neighbors, yet the tame PG-13 violence and goofy RomCom antics reveal a desire to be the kind of breezy date film that Kutcher has already done repeatedly in the past.

This is where Killers ultimately fails, in its inability to seize the potential that the setting of the film affords. If the filmmakers had simply scrapped the useless introductory sequence of the first act, and had instead concentrated on building the world that would soon fall apart around the ears of the main characters, the film as a whole would have had much more to offer. Instead of just being an almost goofy comedy, it could have become a dark comedy with subtle commentary on the true nature and lack of intimacy of neighbor relationships in suburban settings, the duplicity of married life, the frailty of friendship, and the tenuous bond between in-laws. Instead, the film let's its own potential rot away on the vine while it goes for cheap RomCom humor and over-the-top mugging at the camera.

Still, Tom Selleck's mustache rules.

Bad Movie Review - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

2010-07-05T20:15:00.000-04:00

Image by 13 Days. via Flickr

"Team Edward or Team Jacob?"

The smiling goth in the ticket booth at the drive-in means no harm. Her words are not spoken out of spite or malice, and there is no malicious intent behind her question. She is simply trying to share in the excitement of the theatrical release of the third film in the Twilight series, based on the novels by Stephanie Meyer. As far as she knows, the only reason someone would be paying to see Eclipse opening weekend is that they share in the joyful anticipation of yet another chapter of Bella and Edward's ongoing saga. She doesn't know the pain that her words inflict upon me, the shame and humility that comes with subjecting a grown man to this question. I should not be in a position that might force me to choose between Team Jacob or Team Edward. No man in his thirties should have to make such a choice.

But the girl means well, so I am not impolite. I smile and tell her that I am here simply to see the film so that I can review it for my film-review site and podcast dedicated to bad movies, and that I probably won't like it. Therefore, I really can't choose a side in the film's romantic triangle, as I am ultimately indifferent. Not quite grasping my reasoning, the young goth cheerily hands me my ticket stub and waves me through. Her farewell comment slaps me in the back of the head like a dull, rusty hatchet.

"Enjoy the show!"

At this point, you will probably guess that I approached my viewing of Eclipse with a fairly heavy bias. In my defense, it is hard to view a film sequel without any preconceived notions, unless the sequel in question is a vast departure from the previous films. There is very little about Eclipse that is a departure from the first two films in the series, other than a new director and a few fresh faces. I know. I've watched the previous films, so I am entitled to my so-called bias. I have earned it, one painful minute at a time.

First comment: The film opens with a Robert Frost poem. If there is anything more annoying than a romantic teen drama that opens with the lovestruck female lead reading a poem, it would be a romantic teen drama that opens with the lovestruck female lead reading a Robert Frost poem. If that isn't bad enough, the poem she reads is Fire and Ice. I don't care how much Bela's choice between the undead Edward and fiery-tempered Jacob is, nor do I care that the intended audience is middle-school students. This is still a exceedingly lame choice.

The third film of the Twilight series finds the main characters in pretty much the exact position that they were in during the last one; Bela and Edward are still madly in love, Jacob is still a contender for Bela's love, and the redheaded vampire from the first film is still trying to kill Bela, Edward and his family of sweater-clad good-guy vampires. That about wraps everything up.

There is indeed a plot flowing through this familiar territory, but it is a rather thin stream of storyline, and the water isn't all that fresh. It seems that a local boy who ran away a year ago (in case you forget this, the film will kindly remind you every fifteen minutes or so until it becomes even more irrelevant) is now wandering the streets of Seattle raising an army of freshly turned vampires creatively dubbed Newborns for some nefarious purpose that just might involve Bela's angst-ridden heartthrobs and a few previously established not-so-nice sweater-less vampires.

Second Comment: Do we need to show the Space Needle in every Seattle shot? I can understand the establishing shots, but even well after the location of the young army-raising Forks-raised vampire has been repeated numerous times throughout the film, we are still subjected to the Space Needle looming ominously in the background. Apparently, when you live in Seattle, there is no escaping the omnipresent Space Needle.

Don't get all worked up at the thought of a vampire army. The word "army" is thrown around quite a bit, but the actual horde that ends up taking on the Cullen clan only number around twenty or so. The film actually takes the time to explain that a "Newborn" army is actually much more powerful than a human or older vampire army, so the audience shouldn't feel disappointed when the much-hyped battle against the Newborn army only finds the good-guy vampires and their werewolf back-up team outnumbered by a staggering two-to-one. Don't let the concept of an "uneasy truce" between the werewolves and vampires fool you either; for such a centuries-old animosity between two races of deadly creatures, they eventually band together with less trash-talking and glaring than is typical between rival lacrosse teams during a preliminary warm-up match.

Third Comment: Foreshadowing is a "literary technique used by many different authors to provide clues for the reader to be able to predict what might occur later on in the story." (Wikipedia. Sue me.) Showing narrated flashbacks and lengthy moments of awkward exposition that blatantly inform the audience what is going to happen an hour from now is not foreshadowing. It is annoying.

This is the first film in the series to be directed by David Slade, who also directed 30 Days of Night. He also declared that he would never direct a Twilight sequel when confronted with the concept during an interview. Later, shortly after accepting a huge wad of cash to direct a sequel in the Twilight series, he claimed that he was only joking when he had said that. Another funny joke was played on anyone who thought that Slade would bring some of the action in the ultra-violent 30 Days of Night to Eclipse. The two scenes that might by jokingly referred to as action sequences are both shorter than Edward and Jacobs exceedingly boring and pointless heart-to-heart on the mountain peak the night before the big finale. The first was a brief high-speed chase through the woods that resembled the speeder-bike chase in Return of the Jedi more than anything else. Remember the aforementioned two-to-one battle with the football team-sized "Newborn Army?" There's the other. You might want to count the "training sequence" as an action scene. I don't.

Final Comment: When a girl pressures her boyfriend to have sex, and he responds by warning that it could be dangerous, implicating not that she could get pregnant, but that he might lose control and kill her in the middle of it, it is really hard to have any respect for the girl that says "That's okay, let's try anyway." If this sounds to you like the lead-in to either an extremely hot sex scene or an extremely bloody murder scene, you will be sorely disappointed twice over. Instead, you will find yourself subjected to a minute or two of very intense hugging and clothing-smoothing that continues until the shirts of both involved become partially unbuttoned, at which point they promptly decide that they have gone too far. And thus is played the greatest joke of all upon the poor men and boys dragged to see this film with their respective partners, and whose moment of hopefulness is quickly and brutally squashed beneath the heel of Stephanie Meyer's cinematic stilettos.

Complaining about all of this is a moot point, however, as no one that wants to see Eclipse cares about any of this. All they care about is which potentially abusive boyfriend Bella (a name choice that is a slap in the face of any Bela Lugosi fan) chooses; the undead vampire that repeatedly tells her how much he would like to drink her blood as she dies, or the wild half-animal who has openly warned her of his potential for injuring her if he ever loses control around her. The fact that her indecision and dedication regarding this choice hardly changes from the last film shouldn't sour the fan base, either. It is so deliciously angst-ridden and illogically romantic that you could just die.

I don't want to be mean. I don't want to hate this movie. I don't want to tell the cheerful teenage Goth in the ticket booth on my way out of the theater that the movie she will probably see numerous times with her friends for free was the steaming pile of refuse that I thought it would be, and so much more beyond. But I'd be lying if I said anything otherwise. This is not a film. This is the third act in a four-part abstinence campaign disguised as a supernatural love-story that seems perfectly fine with teaching young girls to avoid sex, but readily risk their immortal soul or hideous disfigurement at the first dreamboat they bump into before graduation.

Eclipse sucked. So there, I said. It might be an unpopular opinion, but it is an opinion I have nonetheless earned. Just ask the young teenage Goth girl in the ticket booth that I made cry.

For the full verbal onslaught of this review, check out episode #17 of MovieSucktastic on iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com orMovieSucktastic.com.

MovieSucktastic #17 - Killers and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

2010-07-05T17:01:00.000-04:00

Image by Nayara - Oliveira via Flickr

This weekend's episode of the MovieSucktastic podcast is up and available for your Fourth of July listening pleasure. After all, why would you blast Creedence Clearwater Revival or Nickelback by the poolside when you could subject your pool party guests to the fevered rantings of a man forced to watch both Killers and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse in one sitting?

Yes, episode #17 of MovieSucktastic features reviews by yours truly after a harrowing night spent huddled in the front seat of my car at Becky's Drive-In while the feature films Killers and Twilight: Eclipse unfolded before me like two great oceans of pain and indifference. After last episode's positive review of The A-Team, it was nice to hunker down in familiar territory and spew the usual spiteful yet informative venom about some movies that violently sucked several hours of my life into the Godless abyss in which all bad movies store the life energies of their victims.Needless to say, I wasn't as enthralled by Ashton Kutcher or Taylor Lautner as the gaggle of twittering teenage girls packed into the SUVs surrounding my car.

This little foray into my total despair at being asked by the ticket booth girl whether I belonged to Team Jacob or Team Edward can be listened to or downloaded from iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com orMovieSucktastic.com.

Plan 9 From Outer Space... in 3D!!!

2010-06-15T18:23:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

CRISWELL PREDICTS!! I predict education will be given to children through the television screen, no personal teachers, but there will be a warden on duty to see that one hundred percent interest is sustained. Later, education-memory pills will help give you all of the education you can possibly use.

- Jerome King Criswell

Now here's an interesting development in the gradual market saturation of 3D films in both the theater and now on DVD/Blu-Ray. It seems like the studios have been going out of their way to force 3D graphics into every mini-epic and pseudo-blockbuster hitting the screens over the past year. Well, they've finally gone ahead and started cranking out crappy movies in 3D as well. No, I don't mean Clash of the Titans. We're talking really crappy. No, I'm still not talking about Clash of the Titans.

It turns out that the minds behind the 3D technology at PassmoreLab , the “World’s Largest 3D Content Provider,” have decided to showcase proprietary conversion technology by releasing a 3D version of one of the worst films ever produced, Ed Wood's seminal cult classic Plan 9 From Outer Space. Using the print restored and colorized by Legend Films in 2006, they will be going through the film frame-by-frame and converting Wood's error-riddled smörgåsbord of shoddy filmmaking into glorious high-resolution 3D entertainment.

This seems to be a follow-up to their 3D conversion of the original Night of the Living Dead, which leads me to believe that they are practicing their handiwork on public domain films in order to showcase the capabilities of their process with as little overhead has possible. No complaints here, as long as they keep picking high-profile films that are entertaining to watch with or without the funny glasses. Personally, I'm looking forward to seeing Tor Johnson's arms stretching out past the screen in my direction. Beats giant Smurfs with arrows any day of the week.

Podcast #16 - The A-Team, Drive-Ins, and Dog Owners

2010-06-15T10:07:00.000-04:00

Yes, the MovieSucktastic podcast is back on schedule, after an extended hiatus so Scott could (unsuccessfully) attempt to track down co-host Joey, who was abducted last month by militant Avatar fanatic in retaliation for his past anti-Avatar reviews.

But the hunt is over now, and Scott is back in action and well into the MovieScottastic swing of things with his full-on review of The A-Team, which he screened at Becky's Drive-In. This, of course, also leads to a brief rant about moviegoers and drive-in moviegoers, and their never ending quest to ruin the movie-going experience for the general public. Here's a quick preview: what do you do when a crying baby isn't loud enough to disrupt the film? Bring the dogs along as well, of course.

So tune in and check out the latest on the A-Team, as well as Scott's opinion on the film's lack of a Mr. T cameo. I pity the fool who doesn't listen to the latest episode, either at iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com or MovieSucktastic.com. Current plans for the next episode include reviews of Killers, The Human Centipede, and Deadtime Stories..

Butcher Knives & Body Counts

2010-06-14T13:26:00.000-04:00

Head on over to the Official Author Website of S. Michael Wilson and check out the cover for the upcoming anthology Butcher Knives & Body Counts: Essays on the Formula, Frights, and Fun of the Slasher Film, due out in October from Dark Scribe Press, featuring work from over seventy authors, including your beloved MovieSucktastic co-host Scott!

Movie Review: The A-Team

2010-06-14T11:29:00.000-04:00

Image by Daniel Semper via Flickr

TV Show Adaptations have been the theatrical kiss of death for a long time now. Not because the idea of taking an old beloved television series and modernizing it in a feature film isn't a plausible idea, but because the studios almost always drop the ball. Most of the time, they play the revival for comic effect instead of nostalgic revival, like The Dukes of Hazard, Starsky and Hutch and Charlie's Angels. When they occasionally do take the update seriously, like Miami Vice, The Mod Squad and Swat, it turns out that no one really wanted one in the first place. Then you have just flat out cinematic abortions like The Avengers, Bewitched, Mission Impossible and Wild Wild West. Classic-cartoons-turned-live-action-films like Fat Albert, Scooby Doo, Inspector Gadget, Josie and the Pussycats and The Flintstones populate their own private level of Hell.

So when do the studios get it right? Not very often, I'm afraid. But in the case of The A-Team, a generation's favorite soldiers of fortune have escaped the land of fond childhood memories unscathed. Of course, if anybody could do it, it would have to be these guys. Hell, they escaped a federal prison using garbage bags and hair dryers. Take that, MacGyver.

From the opening scene, you know you are in good hands with this modern revision of America's favorite wrongfully imprisoned special forces soldiers turned vigilantes on the run. The film's (and main character's) introduction is stylistic, endearing, and undeniably cool. There is no attempt to mimic or mock the original show's style, which keeps it from falling into the realm of intentional camp, but it still manages to convey that childish joy and wonder that went along with watching the A-Team improvise their way through adventure after adventure. This is just as much an achievement of the actors as it is the filmmakers; much like J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot, the emphasis isn't on mimicking the original actors, but making the characters their own. This is especially an achievement for Quinton Jackson, who wound up with the task of filling Mr. T's combat boots as B.A. Baracus. The end result is that you don't feel like you are watching actors reprising old characters, but the characters themselves, and that's the hardest part of this kind of cultural adaptation. They even manage to squeeze the original theme-song in without making it feel campy. Now that's an achievement.

Size and scope are the most noticeable difference between the movie and the original TV show. Like any low-budget prime-time series, The A-Team filled most of its action sequences with air mortars, car flips, and stunt men pinwheeling through the air from fake explosions. Compare that to the film's budget of $110 Million, and suddenly you go from air mortars to exploding CGI tankers and high-speed chase sequences with helicopters and fighter drones. This kind of over-the-top spectacle threatens to overwhelm the film's modest origins at times (especially during the climactic ending), but the superb acting and sharp dialogue help anchor the film in its nostalgic roots. Combining nostalgia with modernization is hard, especially when dealing with a show as iconic as The A-Team. Let's face it, how many TV shows can you name from just hearing someone hum the first four notes of the theme song?

It also helps that the screenwriters know how to do a proper villain. A lot of action films these days (since the 90s, actually) make it a habit of presenting dark, foreboding bad guys who smirk maliciously and kill puppies every ten minutes just to remind everyone how evil they are. This is far from the case with The A-Team; Patrick Wilson and Brian Bloom are given dark characters with personalities that make them as entertaining and fun to watch as the heroes. They do just as much wisecracking as the good guys, and manage to keep plot-forwarding scenes from feeling like mere pauses between action sequences. They're so fun and colorful, you wouldn't mind seeing them team up in a spin-off show (maybe they could run a day-care center together and solve crimes at night?). The rapid-fire banter throughout the film elevates this feeling, and often the dialogue actually increases the tempo of an action sequence instead of slowing it down.

The real kick in the pants is that The A-Team hit the screens only a month or so after the abysmal MacGruber. Side-by-side, these are the perfect Goofus and Gallant of adapting 80s TV shows. On one hand, you have people unwilling to seriously tackle an iconic prime-time show, so the instead do a mock-parody-spoof and tank the whole thing. On the other hand, The A-Team is modernized, taken seriously enough to not mock itself self-consciously, and manages to make an entertaining action film that retains the charm and appeal of the original series. You see, that's how it's done.

The biggest complaint I probably have regarding the film is the lack of a Mr. T cameo. An after-credits sequence features Bradley Cooper and Shartlo Copley bumping into Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz (the original Face and Murdock), but Mr. T and George Peppard were conspicuously absent. Peppard's reluctance to appear is understandable, considering he'e been dead for fifteen years now. So what's Mr. T's excuse? Seems he doesn't approve of the show being remade into a violent, racier PG-13 action film. It is usually comforting to know that some things never change, but I don't know how comforting it is that Mr. T still conducts his personal and business life in the same cartoonish black-and-white moralistic grandstanding that predominated his act when he appointed himself Protector and Mentor of All Children in the 80s. I could understand if he simply didn't want anything to do with the movie, but then he has to throw out the rationalization that he was afraid that if made a cameo, the filmmakers would try to use his name to sell the film. The last time I checked, the only thing his image was being used to hawk was Snickers Bars and Video Games, which is a far leap from the moral Mr. T of the 80s that preached the importance of eating healthy and outdoor activities to children.

But that little bit of unpleasantness aside, The A-Team is a resounding success. Sure, some people might feel the need to nitpick some of the action sequences as unrealistic and far-fetched (This Summer, you will believe a man can fly a tank...), but those that do are missing the big picture. Remember the garbage bags and hair dryers? That's right. It isn't about the realism or probability, it's all about the plan. In this case, the plan truly came together, and (sorry, but I must) I love it when a plan comes together.

Movie Review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

2010-06-08T10:44:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

When The Human Centipede by Tom Six was first recommended to me, I was sure that it was a joke. "No, really. What's it about?" It is the kind of plot that is almost too ridiculous to comprehend. Can you really make an entire film around... that?

Yes, you can. Of course, just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean that you SHOULD. But they did anyway, and the result is one of the most grotesquely hilarious films I have seen in years.

There is no denying that this is a bad movie. This is the kind of movie that serves as the poster child for trash cinema. The next time some politician or infotainment host decides to raise the battle cry against the disgusting horror films corrupting America's youth, they will no doubt be waving around the DVD case of The Human Centipede as they scream for strict censorship laws. I don't even think I'll blame them when they do: this is not the kind of film you watch if you aren't into these kinds of films. This isn't even the kind of film that you admit to being into. I hate to throw the phrase "guilty pleasure" around with reckless abandon, but in the case of The Human Centipede, I think it is more than justified. This film is the dirty little secret you only admit watching and enjoying to those sick, twisted individuals that share your bizarre taste in cinema.

The plot is incomprehensible as it is simple. Doctor Heiter is a medical professional with a burning passion for experimental surgery, a very unpleasant bedside manner, and a skull way to large for the rest of his head. Famous for successfully separating conjoined and Siamese twins, the good doctor is now obsessed with joining things together. Heartbroken from the death of his freshly-joined three dobermans (his "Beloved Three-Dog), Heiter desides to step things up a notch and join three humans. This becomes possible when two teenage twits on a European vacation get a flat tire and stumble upon the anal-retentive (in more ways than one) mad doctor. They are the perfect victims: it is hard to feel much sympathy when the girls stumble upon a creepy German doctor with a bulging cranium and pictures of deformed fetuses on the walls, then gladly accet when he tells them to sit and offers them drinks. Two glasses of Rohypnol water and one dart-gunned Japanese drifter later, and all of the ingredients for a Human Centipede are ready and waiting. Let the good times roll.

How does he join them? I thought you 'd never ask. His brainstorm involves crippling the knees so the three can't stand up, and then surgically connecting all three people ass-to-mouth, creating a conjoined monstrosity with one continuous gastronomic passageway. That's probably the nicest way to put it. If you are having a hard time grasping the concept, fear not; the good doctor explains it all in great detail to his helpless victims, including visual aids shown on an overhead projector. Personally, I thought he would have done a better job with a PowerPoint presentation.

If this sounds like a spoiler, it really isn't. The revelation of this creation doesn't mark a climactic ending, but merely kicks off the second act. Your reaction will probably be like mine; a quick glance at a watch, followed by the dim realization that there is still an hour of this to go. This is where the film pays off, as we get to watch Heiter actually interacting with his new creation with the mixed emotions of affection and frustration you would expect from a new pet owner with irrational expectations and a monstrously skin-stretching skull. I'm not kidding, his head is huge. It actually distracts from the Human Centipede. Dieter Laser, the man behind the freakish head, makes the movie. His emotional outbursts, creepy delivery and crazed expressions never fail to delight, and there isn't a moment that you don't believe in the character. When Dr. Heiter actually weeped at the unveiling of his creation, I couldn't help get a little teary-eyed myself. My favorite part is when he takes the Human Centipede out on the lawn for training. I'm sure it will be yours as well.

The genius behind The Human Centipede is that it is not overly graphic. You'll probably see more blood and gore on an episode of Grey's Anatomy, speaking of abominations of nature. What sets this film apart is the human cruelty and anguish of the mad doctor's victims, who are quite conscious and alert throughout the entire film, even if only one of them is able to speak after the first act. The film isn't shocking as much as it is disturbing, and it gets even more disturbing when you find yourself laughing at it. Yes, this is the kind of film that actually makes you feel dirty for watching. That's what horror films used to feel like. I kinda enjoy that.

This is not the kind of film that many will feel comfortable recommending to friends or family members, but just remember, it is all in the interest of science! Plus, The Human Centipede is also a great educational experience for the young ones; before your family viewing, quiz your children as to which part of the Human Centipede they would prefer being. After the film, compare their choices with the inherent realities displayed throughout the story. This is not only a great example of critical thought, but also teaches the lesson of being careful what you wish for.

Speaking of Careful Wishes, I should probably point out that a sequel, The Human Centipede (The Full Sequence) is due out next year.

Guest Review - The Wolfman (2010)

2010-06-03T11:50:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

THE WOLFMAN (2010) on DVD Review

by friend of MovieSucktastic Don Smith

In the 1941 movie THE WOLF MAN, Lon Chaney, Jr. stood out as an original creature in Universal Studio’s Monster Movie pantheon. He went toe-to-toe with the likes of Frankenstein’s monster and Dracula, two characters that have long been in the public psyche thanks to their respected books by Mary Shelley and Bram Stoker.

Chaney’s continuous, almost overbearing, pathos was heart-wrenching. All they had to do was put him in full make up & hair and say, “Lon, go do you best impression of a german shepherd!” and he stole the show.

However, the 1941 film had two glaring problems:

First, the werewolf that bit Lawrence Talbot (Chaney) was an actual trained wolf (supposedly Bela Lugosi in animal form). The question then arises, “Why didn’t Talbot turn into that style of wolf?”

If he had, the movie would not have had the longevity it still does today.

Second, anytime the wolf-man would attack some poor schmoe wandering the moors on a full moon at one in the morning, the victim looked as if he only had ketchup spread about the mouth and forehead.

The other characters stood around and would breathlessly say, “That looks ghastly!”

No it didn’t.

It looked like some poor schmoe who had been wandering the moors on a full moon at one in the morning with ketchup spread about the mouth and forehead.

But still, the 1941 movie THE WOLF MAN was a fun, fun movie.

Fast forward to 2010 and Benicio Del Toro’s version of THE WOLFMAN (note the lack of space in the title) hits the theaters. It cleared up the two biggest problems from the first.

Del Toro’s version of Talbot was attacked by a similar wolf-man and thus turning Del Toro into a wolf-man.

Also, the gore was just fun and awesome.

If a person were to turn into a six to seven foot tall grizzly bear-like thing and attacked friends and neighbors, it would not be pretty.

Go ask Timothy Treadwell.

This is not a perfect movie. Anthony Hopkins, who plays Talbot’s crazy father, is not allowed to shine as much as he could have (but in his brief scenes he does). Same thing with Hugo Weaving. Weaving, who was phenomenal in V FOR VENDETTA, is more or less window dressing in this film.

The relationship between Del Toro and Gwen (Emily Blunt) is forced and Del Toro’s acting is straight out of Keanu “Whoa!” Reeves’ book.

But where director Joe Johnston succeeded was in bringing back the “wolfman” style werewolf into fashion. For years, the werewolf movie genre had been dominated by the “dog-headed man” (see any of the UNDERWORLD movies, VAN HELSING or the even underrated and awesome DOG SOLDIERS).

Johnston created a wonderful atmosphere of late 19th century England that could easily rival (my other favorite film of the last year) SHERLOCK HOLMES.

Considering this movie had its flaws, Johnston did direct THE ROCKETEER, OCTOBER SKY and the underrated JURASSIC PARK III, so I am looking forward to his CAPTAIN AMERICA.

THE WOLFMAN was just good old fashioned Hollywood monster movie fun. After having seen it in the theater, it was why I went out and bought it the first day it was available on DVD.

So should you.

Arrrrooooooooo!

Guillermo del Toro Drops Hobbits

2010-06-01T12:31:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

While there is no doubt that MGM's current financial difficulties are a leading reason for the delays, you have to wonder if the recent track records of Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro are also responsible for giving the studio heads reason to pause the massive production of the two-part film adaptation of The Hobbit.

Not nearly enough people hated Jackson's King Kong remake as much as I did, but his adaptation of The Lovely Bones failed to gain any real audience acclaim, even among fans of the book, and was one of the less successful Oscar nominated films of the past year. Guillermo, on the other hand, continues to please art-house theater crowds, yet continually fails to bring in major receipts or reviews on his wide-release box office fair.

Add all of this to the tepid turnout for the latest batch of CGI epics to hit the theaters this year, and it is looking more and more likely that MGM just doesn't trust Jackson and del Toro to deliver any major box office cash on the backs of J.R.R Tolkien's Hobbits.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Right Wing Movie Review: How to Train Your Dragon, Anti-American Pro-Terrorist Propaganda

2010-05-06T16:19:00.000-04:00

Image by christianz1969 via Flickr

This Right Wing Movie Review has been brought to you by the letters G, O and P, your local Tea Party organizers, and by GoldLine, because there’s nothing more patriotic than speculating on America’s eventual financial ruin.

How to Train Your Dragon, the latest box office success to come out of Dreamworks, is probably the most blatant and chilling example of the indoctrination of America’s youth by the liberal elitist Hollywood since Happy Feet. Only this time, they are not using gay penguins to brainwash our children. No, this time they are using fire-breathing dragons. Or maybe I should say wolves in dragon’s clothing, because we are not really dealing with dragons here. The dragons in this animated feature are actually meant to represent Middle Eastern terrorists, and this film’s overall goal is to convince the young, impressionable minds watching it that they should be sympathetic towards those who would seek to destroy our American way of life.

Now, I know many of you are probably shocked by this accusation. After all, it is just a harmless kid’s film, right? Right, that’s what everyone thought about Pokemon before parents across the country discovered that Pikachu and Squirdle were teaching their children how to gamble and glorifying barbaric animal arena events like dog pits and cockfights.

So, in the interest of saving your children from this psychological intrusion by other malevolent parties, I am going to break the film down here and point out the subversive symbolism. There might be some spoilers here, so if you are concerned that I am going to ruin the ending of a children’s cartoon for you, you probably have bigger emotional problems to deal with.

Take, for example, the film’s opening, which introduces the home country of the film’s leading character Hiccup, the Viking village of Berk. Hiccup’s people are Norse Vikings, and the opening sequence finds them under attack constant attack by dragons. Right off, it is obvious that this Norse village is representative of white Anglo-Saxon America of European origins. I mean, if you want to have a fantasy setting that symbolizes white America, you cannot get any whiter than a Nordic warrior tribe.

This village is under attack by dragons, which are obviously meant to represent Middle Eastern terrorists. Now, you might by saying, hey, that is quite a stretch! What gave you such a far-fetched idea? Let me spell it out for you by pointing to a specific detail during the opening. As these dragons are attacking the village, the most powerful of these dragons, the dreaded Night Fury, which attacks by achieving supersonic speeds and flying into objects in order to destroy them, does so during a spectacular moment during the dragon attack by flying through one of the Viking village’s towers.

Let me repeat that for clarity: he attacks them by flying through their tower, and in an apparent kamikaze attack, otherwise known as a suicide attack. Now, can you think of another moment in our recent history that involved a suicide attacker flying into a tower? Maybe twin towers? This is an obvious allusion to the attacks of September 11, and sets the major groundwork for this film’s attempts to convince the young children watching this film that the terrorists that would do something like that are not bad people, but simply misunderstood creatures.

As they say, It is all downhill from here. The film spends a great deal of time portraying the Viking warriors, who spend all of their time battling the dragons and training their children to battle the dragons, as ignorant paranoid warmongers. Sending their children into battle is a major theme of the movie, as this has been a major argument against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the idea of sending other people’s children into combat. So of course, the film features multiple scenes of children wielding weapons and being thrown into dangerous battle situations, no doubt a scary thought for any parent accompanying their children to the movie theater.

This warmongering Nordic tribe is under constant attack by these strange foreign creatures, which keep blowing up their buildings before disappearing overseas. Does this sound familiar? In addition, these monsters are coming from some mysterious place that the Vikings cannot seem to find, kind of like the nomadic Al-Qaeda tribes that keep moving from one cave to another so they cannot be tracked. It does not take a great leap of faith to make the connection.

But wait, it gets better. The hero of our story, the young pacifist Viking Hiccup, does not think we should by fighting the dragons. No, the dragons are not bad. They are just misunderstood. If we only get to know them better and learn what they like and why they are attacking us, then we can easily convince them not to. This is the philosophy proposed by the film, the whole touchy-feely approach to global conflict involving the diplomatic strategy of talking out our problems rationally with those who seem determined to destroy our homes and cripple our economy by burning fields and stealing livestock (a possible metaphor for oil). This is portrayed as the only rational solution to stopping repeated attacks against a country under direct attack.

There’s a telling bit a dialog, which I believe it’s even in the trailers, when hiccup’s father (the head Viking warrior, of course) finds out about his son’s ludicrous idea of trying to talk rationally with the monsters attacking them with incendiary weapons (WMDs? Weapons of Massive Dragons?). The father yells at the child incredulously that the dragons have killed hundreds of their people, and hiccup rebelliously responds “And we’ve killed thousands of them!” This is an obvious reference to the high death toll exacted by American troops throughout the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, and most likely a specific reference to the unfortunate loss of civilian lives at the hands of American soldiers and private war contractors. These accidental deaths are indeed tragic, no one would dare argue otherwise. However, in the logic this film expects our children to buy into, the sad reality of innocent lives being lost in necessary combat situations somehow makes us the unreasonable and more barbaric side in the conflict.

Are you starting to see the lengths that this film is going to in order to brainwash American children against the current war against subversive American-hating terroristgroups? Of course, the children in the film swoop in and save the day in the end, using the dragons (i.e. their new terrorist allies) to defeat the cause of all of this senseless fighting, the big bad dragon forcing all of the other poor dragons to do all of those bad things that have caused us to misunderstand them.

Now, whom does this big bad dragon at the end symbolize? Saddam Hussein? Osama bin Laden? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? These are all possible candidates, but knowing how the liberal elite in Hollywood think, this monstrous Deus Ex Machina probably symbolizes something more abstract and touchy-feely, like Intolerance or Bad Karma. Whatever it represents, all it takes is its destruction for the Vikings/Americans to live in perfect peace and harmony with the Dragons/Middle Eastern Terrorists. If this sounds like a logical series of events that translates well into the real world, and you are willing to buy into this pacifist make-love-not-war view of global conflicts, than I have a Health Care Plan I would like to sell you. Let’s just hope our future generations adopt this approach to battling the real fire-breathing dragons of the world.

This satirical film review was originally recorded in Episode #15 of the film review podcast MovieSucktastic.

How to Train Your Dragon and Avatar Abductions!

2010-05-03T14:25:00.000-04:00

If you haven't tuned in to the MovieSucktastic podcast lately, you might want to check out the latest episode. There have been a lot of changes to the show format in the past few months, but the latest change was something that nobody could have predicted. It turns out that MovieSucktastic co-host Joey has been abducted by what appears to be a militant faction of Avatar fanatics. While no responsibility has been claimed and no demands or intentions have been made, the audio of Joey's last known phone message on his way to record the latest episode (he never arrived) is damning evidence in itself that these Avatar-obsessed hooligans have taken Joey hostage in retaliation for past anti-Avatar reviews posted by his fellow MovieSucktastic co-host, Scott Wilson.

With Joey's fate uncertain, Scott does his best to keep the show going, promising to keep the audience updated on the situation. In the meantime, Scott takes the time to go over the success of A Nightmare on Elm Street in the weekend box office results, shamelessly promotes his book (Monster Rally, available on Amazon.com), and channels the spiritual energy of Glenn Beck for a very special Right-Wing Review of the pro-terrorist anti-American animated feature How to Train Your Dragon.

You're going to regret it if you don't keep up with the latest happenings at MovieSucktastic, either at iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast.com or MovieSucktastic.com. Because this summer, things are going to Suck a whole lot more.

Bad Movie Alert: Survival of the Dead

2010-04-29T08:53:00.000-04:00

Thought Land of the Dead was just plain painful? Felt Diary of the Dead was even worse? Brother, you ain't seen nothing yet. Strap yourselves in for yet another stop on the George Romero's "They Just Keep Giving Me Money" tour with the potentially atrocious Survival of the Dead:

That's right, not only is Romero still writing and directing these hollow attempts at clinging to relevance, he's able to talk Apple into product placement. Apparently, iPhones will somehow survive the undead apocalypse.

Moviesucktastic

The Official Moviesucktastic Oscar Nominations Film List/Guide/Ballot

Related articles

Moviesucktastic #59: 2012 Oscar Nominations Show

Related articles

Moviesucktastic #52: Batman Returns, 11-11-11

Related articles

Moviesucktastic #51: Action Jackson

Related articles

Moviesucktastic #50: Dungeons & Dragons, Severed: Forest of the Dead

Related articles

Coming Attractions: Action Jackson (1988)

Related articles

Where the Boys Are

Related articles

Moviesucktastic #49: Little Man, Birdemic

Related articles

Moviesucktastic #46: Supergirl, Bad Movie Day, and Guest Author Don Smith

Related articles

Moviesucktastic Episode #41: Virus

Related articles

Episode #40: The Golden Child

Related articles

The "Rape List" (Take Two)

The Moviesucktastic "Rape Films" List

Related articles

The Moviesucktastic "Rape Films" List

Related articles

Film Critic Dictionary - "Breaking New Ground"

Related articles

Episode #39: Source Code, Skyline, Drive Angry

Episode #38 - A Serbian Film

Related articles

Episode #37 - You Sunk My Beowulf!

Related articles

Episode #36 - Joey agonizes over Christopher Lambert's futuristic Beowulf

Related articles

Great, Just What We Need: Another Fairy Tale Movie.

Related articles

More Like "The Waiting Room." - Visiting Hours movie review

Related articles

Drive Angry: So good, you can almost forgive it for being in 3D.

Related articles

Butcher Knives and Body Counts Edited by Vince Liaguno Book Trailer

Podcast Video - #27 - The Minority Review

Related articles

Moviesucktastic at Paramus BooksNJ event!

Related articles

The Minority Podcast

Related articles

Spring Cleaning!

Related articles

There Are No Bad Movies, Just Bad Podcast Hosts!

Related articles

Weekend Box Office: Cameron's Cave Conquered by Crazy Coeds!

Related articles

2011: the Horror Sequel That Can't Be Stopped

Related articles

Brad Pitt, Chilean Miner Movie Producer? Plan B Reportedly Negotiating Rights

Related articles

Porn Star Karen Kougar Exxxotica Interview

Related articles

Porn Star Julia Ann Exxxotica Interview

Related articles

3D Movie Extravaganza

Bela Lugosi Montage

The Expendables Eat, Pray and Love the Hell out of Julia Roberts!

Related articles by Zemanta

Inception: Planting a Clue in Sandy Kenyon's Dreamscape

Related articles by Zemanta

Before INCEPTION, there was... DREAMSCAPE (1984)

Bad Movie Review: Killers

Related articles by Zemanta

Bad Movie Review - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Related articles by Zemanta

MovieSucktastic #17 - Killers and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Related articles by Zemanta

Plan 9 From Outer Space... in 3D!!!

Related articles by Zemanta

Podcast #16 - The A-Team, Drive-Ins, and Dog Owners